I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.
I kneeled on all fours as he ~made love~ to me like an animal. This would have been fine if wasn’t using the jack-hammering technique, often used by first timers or high-school boyfriends. We were parked behind abandoned car dealership in the light of the day.. it could not have been more classy. As we drove away he looked at me. “It doesn’t fit.” I had no idea what he was talking about. “When I fuck you from behind it doesn’t fit, I can tell, you were fidgeting,” he said proud of his allegedly massive penis. I explained that it was fine. “It was just to fast, it didn’t feel good.” He refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside me from behind.
It wasn’t the size… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.
” Let’s have a threesome?,” he said as I sipped my beer. I have to assume I uncontrollably rolled my eyes. ” Me, you and ( let’s call him ) Tom. ” ..Okay he caught my attention. Tom was the last name I expected to come out of his mouth, actually any male name would have been just as shocking. I have to admit later that night I did contemplate the idea. He wasn’t my boyfriend… this was just about sex… but did I really want to? How would it even work!? As I day dreamed about the perfect threesome scenario, involving Eric Andre of course, I couldn’t help but wonder if I really wanted that. Two penis’ entering me, seems aggressive.
A week and five beers later I found myself in his bedroom. He started by kissing my neck and slowly made his way downstairs. “I can’t wait to share you,” he whispered. IGNORE IT, IGNORE IT. I fought the urge to stop him, he was about to go down on me.. I’m only human. I spent the entire time he was inside me praying that he wouldn’t bring it up again.. unfortunately he did. I looked away as he described to me how it would work. Let’s just say it sounded pretty painful. Even if I hadn’t already decided not to.. my answer was definitely no now. Maybe I’m alone here but… one penis is enough.
After 8 months of traditional, vanilla sex I spoke to my boyfriend about spicing up our sex life, shortly after we moved to the bedroom. After a few minutes of missionary he forced me into “doggy style.” He then put his hand on the back of my head and shoved my face into my pillow. I could barely turn my head to the side to breath. By “spicy” I meant dirty talk, butt slaps, maybe some hair pulling.. NOT suffocation. I gasped for air as he humped me aggressively. Was this some kind of punishment for calling our sex life vanilla? It’s really hard to orgasm when you see your life flashing before your eyes.
After a night of sexting I decided to re-read the conversation. ” CANTT WAIT TO RIP OFF ALL UR CLOTHES,” was the last text. I scrolled up for a while covering my mouth with shock every few seconds. Okay… we defiantly meant the things we said but there is just something wrong with… ” I WANA B INSIDE U MAD BAD.” Type out BE.. it’s so simple, it’s just one extra letter, half a second out of your life. If you do want to be inside me MAD bad check your grammar. I’m not your bro.. we are talking about sex. ” I WANNA FCK U” Oh really!? You want to FCK me. We are sexting I don’t need you to be Romeo.. just text like the literate grown up you are.