I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.
After a few drinks my casual conversation with hot acquaintance took a sharp turn. I promised myself I would never go back down that road so quick, but he had quite a way with words…. that is if you consider “I’ll make sure you cum,” a way with words. With every Pickleback shot I took I sent an increasingly suggestive text. I went to bed giddy but woke up full of regret. What my drunk brain perceived as charming in the light of day was quite the opposite. The angle of his dick pics were questionable. And the “You love my penis,” text was neither endearing nor true. I didn’t even know it. Thanks to me his head grew 3 sizes that day. I had no choice but to delete all the drunk sexts and pretend they never happened.
He didn’t seem to mind that he was the only person who came during our 3 minute romp. I figured when I got up immediately to get dressed that he would take the hint and go home but he stayed in my bed. I left the room for a few minutes to drink some Gatorade and evaluate my life decisions. When I walked back into my bedroom he was still in bed, now lighting a cigarette from my secret pack nonetheless: I immediately yelled “NOT IN HERE!” Not only did he continue to light my cigarette but he didn’t apologize. Shocked, I told him to at least stand by the window. He moved to the window and I sat on my bed, fake texting, hoping that my lack of interest would make him feel uncomfortable and unwanted. Eventually I had to just tell him to leave because I had to wake up early….. I didn’t. But In the middle of gathering his belongings he looked at his phone and told me he was locked out of his apartment… Apparently he lent his key to his roommate who wouldn’t be home until tomorrow. Am I the only person in NYC he knew? Did he not have a friend whose place he could crash at? The disrespect made it was clear he wasn’t my friend. Unfortunately, because I MUST BE LIKED he spent the night. I got up at 8am, got dressed and ready for the job I didn’t have. I walked aimlessly in the opposite direction for ten minutes to make sure he was gone. When I got home I noticed three buds and cigarette ash all over my floor. I can’t understand how but he was shocked when I no longer wanted to see him.
One Sunday afternoon I found myself in an all too familiar situation… I was on a date and I had no idea. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to grab a bite, so I met him downtown. A turkey sandwich and three beers later the check came. He grabbed the check quickly and refused to let me pay for my meal and drinks. I know most men thinks it’s the polite thing to do and it is on a first date BUT to my knowledge this wasn’t a date. I couldn’t help but feel obligated to grab a drink with him. A drink turned into several drinks and before I knew it he was inviting me back to his place to “watch a movie.” AlI I wanted was to go home and binge watch Seinfeld until I passed out… but the 40 minute drunk subway ride back to my apartment wasn’t very appealing. One minute I was falling asleep on his couch the next minute we were making out. It’s safe to say it was the alcohol that decided it would be a good idea sleep with him. When I woke up all I could think was OH SHIT. I got dressed while he sat on his bed texting. He looked up at me and said, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship.” WHEN DID I SAY I WAS!? Did he really think a drunk hookup was my way of starting a committed long term relationship? No. I thought we were just grabbing a bite. I left and quickly added him to my list of drunken mistakes.. aka The Oh Shit list.