The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: penis

The Fishbowl Effect

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We hooked up one afternoon after a bottle of Mango Mimosas. He was my roommate’s friend and I was convinced I had Vaginal Depression thanks to a Womens Health article. Our afternoon bone-sesh lasted a total of two minutes and cost me a fair amount of dignity and there really wasn’t much there to begin with.

“I’m about to get into a serious relationship, but if I weren’t we would make a good couple, right?” he asked handing me my sock so I could clean myself off. I wiped off his off-spring avoiding eye contact. To be honest I had mixed emotions. On one hand it was kind of perfect because no one would ever have to know. It won’t happen again. No drama. No awkward moments. On the other hand….. who does he think he is? I did the only thing I could think to do and kept drinking until I passed out at 6pm.

The next morning shorty after setting sail on a charter boat for a fishing trip with my roommates… and just as the sea sickness began to kick in I was informed my secret had been leaked. The regret, the sea, the jokes, the Mango Mimosas, the smelly fish… it was all too much. I spent the three hour trip throwing up into a bucket.

On land after a blunt, a beer and a Big Mac later things appeared to be looking up. That was until he walked in with his new girlfriend. I could sense the eyes on me looking for a reaction. I watched her kiss his lips knowing all too well where they were not even 24 hours ago. I didn’t realize “about to” meant that night. All the sudden I was back on the boat. I went to the bathroom and threw up again.

AN ODE TO THE UNCIRCUMCISED

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I pretended to be much more intoxicated than I was when I asked him for a ride home. He drove to my house, parked and invited me to the back seat. My plan was to kiss him, hopefully making him want more and then go straight to bed. But my lack of self control prevailed and I joined him in the backseat.

That’s when I saw my first uncut penis…. It was like a hermit crab coming out of its shell. A bald head popping threw a turtle neck. Was it attractive? No. But I’ve yet to see a dick that is. Most importantly it felt good. Fifteen minutes later I was fully satisfied and an advocate of the Uncircumcised Penis.

Lindsay Bluth, Arrested Development, said it best “It’s a Doberman, let it have its ears.”

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OH BABY I LIKE IT RAW

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Shortly after consuming three rolls of Sushi and four Sake Bombs I pulled my date into his bedroom. I had recently learned a new move – the “Gluck Gluck 9000” and I was ready to try it out. I began giving it my all… a pathetic attempt to make this mediocre man obsessed with me. Things seemed to be going according to plan when suddenly I felt queasy. At first I tried push through knowing I was only moments away from a triumph finish.

Please cum before I vomit I prayed, sweat dripping from my forehead as I performed the “Gluck Gluck” like a professional. I wasn’t about to walk away… all that hard work for nothing…no way. I had a job to finish so I kept going. Each second he was closer to cumming and I was closer to vomiting privately in the comfort of the bathroom. Just as I saw the light at the end of this nauseating tunnel I lost control. He came as I waited for him to notice the small but noticeable amount of regurgitated Sushi on his dick. Luckily for me he had no idea.. that or he’s pretending that it never happened, either way lesson learned. 

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SEX, DRUGS, THEN PLEASE LEAVE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

“Want to see my Beat Laboratory?”

…You had me at the Step Brothers reference. I followed you in giving you my usual rant about not being a relationship person – See it’s best to sabotage any chance for feelings ASAP. This way you’ll never even have to know if they liked you enough to date you. It’s all about creating the illusion that you’re control while you spend your nights drinking alone.

Maybe it was your Bob Dylan impression, LOST obsession, cute butt, the free weed or genuine love for Twisted Tea but we fucked on your unmade bed. Then again at my place. During the second time around you came in my mouth and I grabbed a glass of lemon water I had sitting on my nightstand. It wasn’t until I took a large gulp that I realized the lemon in the water had rotted. I was now drinking one of my infamous science experiments.

{ Lemon + Water + Leave for 2+ days } I swallowed.

After, you got dressed you told me you weren’t looking for anything serious. I paused. Just what you want to hear before you’ve fully digested someone’s cum. The taste still lingered in my mouth. You left. I got high on your weed and deleted your number.

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“IT DOESN’T FIT”

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I kneeled on all fours as he “made love” to me in the back of my Jeep parked next to a dumpster. This would have been fine if wasn’t using the jack-hammering technique, often used by first timers or high-school boyfriends.

“It doesn’t fit,” he said simultaneously lighting a cigarette and a joint. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“From behind it doesn’t fit, I can tell, you were fidgeting, a lot” he said proud of his allegedly massive penis. I explained that it was fine. “It was just to fast, it didn’t feel good.” He refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside me from behind.

It wasn’t the size… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.

WINNING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We had been together for 4 months and for the first time in our relationship the sex lasted longer than two minutes. Although I was pleasantly surprised he was quite obviously annoyed. Sweat dripped off his forehead as he aggressively stabbed my insides with his penis. Not too long after he finished, looked at me and “I win.” ARE YOU ACTUALLY PROUD THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO MAKE ME ORGASM? The first person to reach an orgasm doesn’t “win.” I don’t know if he was a moron or an asshole BUT I dated him for months and I lost every single time.