I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.
Shortly after consuming three rolls of Sushi and four Sake Bombs I pulled my date into his bedroom. I had recently learned a new move – the “Gluck Gluck 9000” and I was ready to try it out. I began giving it my all… a pathetic attempt to make this mediocre man obsessed with me. Things seemed to be going according to plan when suddenly I felt queasy. At first I tried push through knowing I was only moments away from a triumph finish.
Please cum before I vomit I prayed, sweat dripping from my forehead as I performed the “Gluck Gluck” like a professional. I wasn’t about to walk away… all that hard work for nothing…no way. I had a job to finish so I kept going. Each second he was closer to cumming and I was closer to vomiting privately in the comfort of the bathroom. Just as I saw the light at the end of this nauseating tunnel I lost control. He came as I waited for him to notice the small but noticeable amount of regurgitated Sushi on his dick. Luckily for me he had no idea.. that or he’s pretending that it never happened, either way lesson learned.
While I fully intended to hook up with his friend thanks to Three Twisted Tea tall cans I ended up in the wrong bed. “Want to get dinner Monday?” He asked, removing my shirt. I didn’t know how to tell him that while I was totally fine making out with him topless I wasn’t about to eat food alone with him.. even if it’s free. “Maybe…” I smiled, removing my bra. Like a gentlemen he began continued fondling my breasts.
The next day, after my thee hour nap I woke up to 10 texts messages. All from him. I took it as sign of mental instability and ignored them. Every day for the next week I received at least one text message, until New Years Eve. When he texted me to tell me “It’s over, I heard you have a sex blog. Glad I decided to drop it after New Years Eve. PEACE.”
My Orthodox Jewish boyfriend made plans to eat an edible and walk around the Museum of Natural History one Saturday. We split the medical chocolate bar in half and an hour later I realized you may have ate too much. I took a look at the box. The directions clearly stated that a serving size was 1/8th of the bar…. shit. I grabbed your hand and we made our way up to the dinosaur exhibit. “Oh I get it,” you stated. “Get what?” “Dinosaurs.” You went on to tell me how people planted fake fossils to mess with everyone. I laughed it off as a high thought.
The next night you came to my apartment, in an area of Brooklyn you most likely never stepped foot in. I spent the night prior scrubbing and reorganizing my apartment in order to create the illusion that I was a mature adult woman but my efforts went unnoticed. Plastic furniture and dinosaur toys just aren’t for adults. You didn’t seem to mind because you sat right on my bed, that laid on the floor without a box spring. We started making out and while I was shaved and ready for penetration I didn’t think you would have been down but I was wrong. You looked me in the eye slowly removed your yamaka while making your way down my body. Honestly I never felt so powerful. You started going down on me. I looked at the yamaka upside down on my floor, looked back at you and smiled at the God I don’t believe in.
After we had sex as I laid in your arms you brought up dinosaurs again. Well I mean my walls are covered in pictures of them so I can see where the thought came from. Turns out you seriously didn’t believe in dinosaurs. I spent the night trying to prove you wrong but it didn’t work. I could get behind not pushing buttons on Saturday but no dinosaurs.. Our short relationship ended when I was unable to expand your mind and you were unable to close mine. There was no way I could continuing dating someone who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.
After a night of drinking my boyfriend and I went back to his apartment to have sex. After I came I went down on him. He was trying to tell me something but I couldn’t decode his slurred-drunken speech. He sounded like he was enjoying what I was doing so I didn’t want to stop to ask him what he said. Not long after he mumbled again, but this time is sounded like a question. I decided just to nod. What was I suppose to do take his dick out of my mouth and ask him to repeat himself!? A second later he pulled out and came all over my face. I stood there in shock, covered in his semen. Apparently he was asking me if he could cum on my face.
My alarm bells were already ringing when I saw his place: his shirts were folded so tidy he must’ve been in the army, and there wasn’t a speck of dust to be seen. I walked in, whisky in hand. Not even 10 seconds later we were making out on the couch. I was riding him when he started heading for the backdoor so to speak. I obliged, thinking, heck what ever makes him happy. Then the butt plugs came out, he was all sparkly eyed like a kid with a new toy and asked me to insert one for him. Then out of nowhere he completely lost his erection. After administering oral to his soft penis, thing got even weirder. We started up again and thats when he slapped my face and butt. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any weirder he spit on my back. Why? I’ll never know. The whole thing culminated in him slapping me in the face with his semi-erect dick, which I swear almost made me burst out laughing were it not for his completely serious “I-am-concentrating-don’t-interrupt-me-face.” After that, he knelt above me, furiously wanking himself off. He fell asleep in 2 seconds flat, while I gathered my belongings and headed for the hills.
Our relationship was over, not technically, but we both knew it was only a matter of time. We tried our best to hide our pain during a natural friends graduation party, but with every Twisted Tea I grew more annoyed by his existence. It just got to the point where every single thing he did or said drove me insane. I was mad at him for breathing, yes breathing.. as if he could somehow stop. The way he lifted his pants up made me feel like he was stabbing me with a knife. His laugh sent chills up my spine and his jokes were not longer funny. Unfortunately alcohol had the opposite effect on him. Tripping over his feet and slurring his speech he begged me to go to his car to “talk.” I sat there looking down awkwardly, as I explained to him how I felt. He placed his hand on the top of my head and slightly rubbed my scalp, consoling me, but all I could think was YOU’RE MESSING UP MY HAIR. After a few second he lightly pushed my head down towards his lap, confused I looked up at him. He did it again, but this time with force. We sat there for five minutes playing the head push game. ((The Head Push Game: When a man continues to push a woman’s head towards his crotch, trying to get her to suck his dick, while the woman lifts her head, clearly denying his request.)) I couldn’t take it anymore so I left the car and broke up with him over the phone.
When I was 18 years old, I certainly hung out with an interesting group of friends. My best friend at the time had introduced to me this (I thought at the time) good-looking guy. He was a little on the quiet side and obsessed with his car, but otherwise seemed nice enough. We had exchanged numbers and texted for a while. Occasionally we’d hang out in group situations. Eventually it came out that he had a foot fetish… I figured there were way stranger things to be into than feet, so I looked past it. Besides, what’s so bad about free foot massages whenever you want?
One night, as a bunch of us were hanging out at my best friend’s house, this guy and I decided to sneak out to his car to fool around. He, of course, played with my feet for a while (sucking on toes and all that.) It didn’t feel so bad so I let him do his thing. When it finally came time that he decided to pull himself out of his pants, I suddenly realized how small he was. I know that I shouldn’t have been so hung up on size, but there was NO WAY I could give up a number on him (as if we haven’t all thought that at some point in our life!) I eventually decided to give him a “footjob” followed by a blowjob where he unexpectedly came in my mouth. I wanted to punch him. Needless to say, I avoided any group situations he was involved in after that.
I went down on him while he sat in the front seat of his car. I could hear the voices of our friends playing beer-pong and the music from the party we ditched. The voices grew closer as his moans grew more intense. Don’t gag, don’t gag… I prayed as I gave it my all. I must have been too distracted by his ball sweat.. wondering if he even showered that day to notice our friends were approaching the car. Without warning he pushed my head down, all the way, holding me there so they couldn’t could see. GAME OVER, I lifted my head up and jumped back. I put my clothes on, silently, avoiding eye contact as I waited for my friends to continue walking down the street. I left the car, glancing back at him giving him to chance to apologize then slammed the door.