I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.
My Orthodox Jewish boyfriend made plans to eat an edible and walk around the Museum of Natural History one Saturday. We split the medical chocolate bar in half and an hour later I realized you may have ate too much. I took a look at the box. The directions clearly stated that a serving size was 1/8th of the bar…. shit. I grabbed your hand and we made our way up to the dinosaur exhibit. “Oh I get it,” you stated. “Get what?” “Dinosaurs.” You went on to tell me how people planted fake fossils to mess with everyone. I laughed it off as a high thought.
The next night you came to my apartment, in an area of Brooklyn you most likely never stepped foot in. I spent the night prior scrubbing and reorganizing my apartment in order to create the illusion that I was a mature adult woman but my efforts went unnoticed. Plastic furniture and dinosaur toys just aren’t for adults. You didn’t seem to mind because you sat right on my bed, that laid on the floor without a box spring. We started making out and while I was shaved and ready for penetration I didn’t think you would have been down but I was wrong. You looked me in the eye slowly removed your yamaka while making your way down my body. Honestly I never felt so powerful. You started going down on me. I looked at the yamaka upside down on my floor, looked back at you and smiled at the God I don’t believe in.
After we had sex as I laid in your arms you brought up dinosaurs again. Well I mean my walls are covered in pictures of them so I can see where the thought came from. Turns out you seriously didn’t believe in dinosaurs. I spent the night trying to prove you wrong but it didn’t work. I could get behind not pushing buttons on Saturday but no dinosaurs.. Our short relationship ended when I was unable to expand your mind and you were unable to close mine. There was no way I could continuing dating someone who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.
Growing up in the Suburbs I am use to the “walk of shame” consisting of :
1) Strutting from his door to my car as quick as possible.
2) Driving home comfortably singing ballads in my car. Maybe even Taco-Bell.
3) Quietly sneaking into my house with sex hair avoiding my parents.
Thanks to my low income job and my asshole date I didn’t have the luxury of a car/cab during my first walk of shame in NYC. I immediately regretted the decision to spend the night when I woke up in a un-air conditioned room being cuddled to death. I fixed myself up the best I could. I walked out onto 66th and 5th with a my outfit from the previous night, messy hair, bad breath and smudged mascara. After wasting 10 minutes walking in the wrong direction I eventually found the subway. My train was delayed. I waited over a half hour, it really helped with the smell. When the train finally came as the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song played in my head I sat right next to my Professor. Whose class I had later that day. I tried to avoid eye contact but eventually he asked, “rough night?” Almost two hours after leaving I finally arrived home after receiving one last dirty look from my doorman.
My contacts were stuck to my eyes. I could feel his beer breath on the back of my neck. I had underwear and a wife beater on… but no bra. His hands moved slowly from my waist to my ass… did I sleep with him? The night prior was a blur. It wasn’t until I saw the bottle of Jagermeister on the night stand, next to the White Castle bag, that I realized.. I probably did. He sat up, afraid I hid most of my face underneath the covers, as if that could magically make him go away. I felt a warm kiss on my forehead then he left the room. I should of asked him what happened but I’m not sure I wanted to know. I got dressed quickly and walked out of his room. Disheveled and disoriented I walked right into the living room where four of his friends were hanging out. After 10 of the most awkward seconds of my life he followed me to the door. ” I had fun,” he said but before he could lean in for a kiss I gave him a high-five. I guess I’ll never know.