The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: Men

AN ODE TO THE UNCIRCUMCISED

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I pretended to be much more intoxicated than I was and asked for a “ride home.” He drove to my house, parked and invited me to the back seat. That’s when I saw my first uncut penis…. It was like a hermit crab coming out of its shell. A head popping threw a turtle neck. Was it attractive? No. But whose dick is? Most importantly it felt good and it sure mad sucking dick a easier. 10 minutes later I was fully satisfied and an advocate of the Uncircumcised Penis.

Lindsay Bluth, Arrested Development, said it best “It’s a Doberman, let it have its ears.”

Instagram

Tall Cans and Hibachi

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Directly after consuming three 24 oz’s of Coors Light I pulled my boyfriend into his bedroom. I don’t know if it was the expensive Hibachi dinner we had earlier or the tall cans I basically shot gunned but all I wanted to do was go down on him. Out of nowhere a few minutes in I felt slightly queasy. I tried to ignore it but it wasn’t long before I felt that all to familiar, uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that never ends well. My immediate reaction was to run into the bathroom but I could tell he was really close. I wasn’t about to walk away now.. .all that work for nothing, no way. I had a job to finish. I knew he was only seconds away. I kept going. Each second he was closer to cumming and I was closer to vomiting privately in the comfort of the bathroom. Just as I saw the light at the end of this nauseating tunnel I lost control. He came as I waited for him to notice the small amount of regurgitated Hibachi on his dick. Luckily for me he had no idea.. that or he’s pretending that it never happened, either way lesson learned. 

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SEX, DRUGS, THEN PLEASE LEAVE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

“Want to see my Beat Laboratory?”

…You had me at the Step Brothers reference. I followed you in giving you my usual rant about not being a relationship person – See it’s best to sabotage any chance for feelings ASAP. This way you’ll never even have to know if they liked you enough to date you. It’s all about creating the illusion that you’re control while you spend your nights drinking alone.

Maybe it was your Bob Dylan impression, LOST obsession, cute butt, the free weed or genuine love for Twisted Tea but we fucked on your unmade bed. Then again at my place. During the second time around you came in my mouth and I grabbed a glass of lemon water I had sitting on my nightstand. It wasn’t until I took a large gulp that I realized the lemon in the water had rotted. I was now drinking one of my infamous science experiments.

{ Lemon + Water + Leave for 2+ days } I swallowed.

After, you got dressed you told me you weren’t looking for anything serious. I paused. Just what you want to hear before you’ve fully digested someone’s cum. The taste still lingered in my mouth. You left. I for high on your weed and deleted your number.

Instagram

THE TWISTED TEA DIARY

by ThePeopleISleptWith

While I fully intended to hook up with his friend thanks to Three Twisted Tea tall cans I ended up in the wrong bed. “Want to get dinner Monday?” He asked, removing my shirt. I didn’t know how to tell him that while I was totally fine making out with him topless I wasn’t about to eat food alone with him.. even if it’s free. “Maybe…” I smiled, removing my bra. Like a gentlemen he began continued fondling my breasts.

The next day, after my thee hour nap I woke up to 10 texts messages. All from him. I took it as sign of mental instability and ignored them. Every day for the next week I received at least one text message, until New Years Eve. When he texted me to tell me “It’s over, I heard you have a sex blog. Glad I decided to drop it after New Years Eve. PEACE.”

8 REASONS I SHOULDN’T OF SLEPT WITH HIM

by ThePeopleISleptWith

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1) He tipped in change. 50 cents to be exact.

2) He said “he already” ate when I mentioned being hungry.

3) He suggested a threesome with a friend I saw at the bar… four times.

4) When the bartender handed me the wrong drink he said, ” She’ll just drink that.”

5) He only complimented my butt.

6) He ordered the exact amount of beers that I said would get me drunk.

7) He wore the wrong size condom.

8) He asked me if I came. If you have to ask the answer is no.

—-> Instagram

DELETE ALL DRUNK SEXTS AND PRETEND THEY NEVER HAPPENED

by ThePeopleISleptWith

After a few drinks my casual conversation with hot acquaintance took a sharp turn. I promised myself I would never go back down that road so quick, but he had quite a way with words…. that is if you consider “I’ll make sure you cum,” a way with words. With every Pickleback shot I took I sent an increasingly suggestive text. I went to bed giddy but woke up full of regret. What my drunk brain perceived as charming in the light of day was quite the opposite. The angle of his dick pics were questionable. And the “You love my penis,” text was neither endearing nor true. I didn’t even know it. Thanks to me his head grew 3 sizes that day. I had no choice but to delete all the drunk sexts and pretend they never happened.

NOT IN HERE

by ThePeopleISleptWith

He didn’t seem to mind that he was the only person who came during our 3 minute romp. I figured when I got up immediately to get dressed that he would take the hint and go home but he stayed in my bed. I left the room for a few minutes to drink some Gatorade and evaluate my life decisions. When I walked back into my bedroom he was still in bed, now lighting a cigarette from my secret pack nonetheless: I immediately yelled “NOT IN HERE!” Not only did he continue to light my cigarette but he didn’t apologize. Shocked, I told him to at least stand by the window. He moved to the window and I sat on my bed, fake texting, hoping that my lack of interest would make him feel uncomfortable and unwanted. Eventually I had to just tell him to leave because I had to wake up early….. I didn’t. But In the middle of gathering his belongings he looked at his phone and told me he was locked out of his apartment… Apparently he lent his key to his roommate who wouldn’t be home until tomorrow. Am I the only person in NYC he knew? Did he not have a friend whose place he could crash at? The disrespect made it was clear he wasn’t my friend. Unfortunately, because I MUST BE LIKED he spent the night. I got up at 8am, got dressed and ready for the job I didn’t have. I walked aimlessly in the opposite direction for ten minutes to make sure he was gone. When I got home I noticed three buds and cigarette ash all over my floor. I can’t understand how but he was shocked when I no longer wanted to see him.

WINNING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We had been together for 4 months and for the first time in our relationship the sex lasted longer than two minutes. Although I was pleasantly surprised he was quite obviously annoyed. Sweat dripped off his forehead as he aggressively stabbed my insides with his penis. Not too long after he finished, looked at me and “I win.” ARE YOU ACTUALLY PROUD THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO MAKE ME ORGASM? The first person to reach an orgasm doesn’t “win.” I don’t know if he was a moron or an asshole BUT I dated him for months and I lost every single time.

ALWAYS HAVE CAB MONEY

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Growing up in the Suburbs I am use to the “walk of shame” consisting of :
1) Strutting from his door to my car as quick as possible.
2) Driving home comfortably singing ballads in my car. Maybe even Taco-Bell.
3) Quietly sneaking into my house with sex hair avoiding my parents.

Thanks to my low income job and my asshole date I didn’t have the luxury of a car/cab during my first walk of shame in NYC. I immediately regretted the decision to spend the night when I woke up in a un-air conditioned room being cuddled to death. I fixed myself up the best I could. I walked out onto 66th and 5th with a my outfit from the previous night, messy hair, bad breath and smudged mascara. After wasting 10 minutes walking in the wrong direction I eventually found the subway. My train was delayed. I waited over a half hour, it really helped with the smell. When the train finally came as the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song played in my head I sat right next to my Professor. Whose class I had later that day. I tried to avoid eye contact but eventually he asked, “rough night?” Almost two hours after leaving I finally arrived home after receiving one last dirty look from my doorman.

LESSON LEARNED: ALWAYS HAVE CAB MONEY

THE PERSON I THINK I SLEPT WITH

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My contacts were stuck to my eyes. I could feel his beer breath on the back of my neck. I had underwear and a wife beater on… but no bra. His hands moved slowly from my waist to my ass… did I sleep with him? The night prior was a blur. It wasn’t until I saw the bottle of Jagermeister on the night stand, next to the White Castle bag, that I realized.. I probably did. He sat up, afraid I hid most of my face underneath the covers, as if that could magically make him go away. I felt a warm kiss on my forehead then he left the room. I should of asked him what happened but I’m not sure I wanted to know. I got dressed quickly and walked out of his room. Disheveled and disoriented I walked right into the living room where four of his friends were hanging out. After 10 of the most awkward seconds of my life he followed me to the door. ” I had fun,” he said but before he could lean in for a kiss I gave him a high-five. I guess I’ll never know.