The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: lust

AN ODE TO THE UNCIRCUMCISED

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I pretended to be much more intoxicated than I was and asked for a “ride home.” He drove to my house, parked and invited me to the back seat. That’s when I saw my first uncut penis…. It was like a hermit crab coming out of its shell. A head popping threw a turtle neck. Was it attractive? No. But whose dick is? Most importantly it felt good and it sure mad sucking dick a easier. 10 minutes later I was fully satisfied and an advocate of the Uncircumcised Penis.

Lindsay Bluth, Arrested Development, said it best “It’s a Doberman, let it have its ears.”

Instagram

Tall Cans and Hibachi

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Directly after consuming three 24 oz’s of Coors Light I pulled my boyfriend into his bedroom. I don’t know if it was the expensive Hibachi dinner we had earlier or the tall cans I basically shot gunned but all I wanted to do was go down on him. Out of nowhere a few minutes in I felt slightly queasy. I tried to ignore it but it wasn’t long before I felt that all to familiar, uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that never ends well. My immediate reaction was to run into the bathroom but I could tell he was really close. I wasn’t about to walk away now.. .all that work for nothing, no way. I had a job to finish. I knew he was only seconds away. I kept going. Each second he was closer to cumming and I was closer to vomiting privately in the comfort of the bathroom. Just as I saw the light at the end of this nauseating tunnel I lost control. He came as I waited for him to notice the small amount of regurgitated Hibachi on his dick. Luckily for me he had no idea.. that or he’s pretending that it never happened, either way lesson learned. 

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SEX, DRUGS, THEN PLEASE LEAVE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

“Want to see my Beat Laboratory?”

…You had me at the Step Brothers reference. I followed you in giving you my usual rant about not being a relationship person – See it’s best to sabotage any chance for feelings ASAP. This way you’ll never even have to know if they liked you enough to date you. It’s all about creating the illusion that you’re control while you spend your nights drinking alone.

Maybe it was your Bob Dylan impression, LOST obsession, cute butt, the free weed or genuine love for Twisted Tea but we fucked on your unmade bed. Then again at my place. During the second time around you came in my mouth and I grabbed a glass of lemon water I had sitting on my nightstand. It wasn’t until I took a large gulp that I realized the lemon in the water had rotted. I was now drinking one of my infamous science experiments.

{ Lemon + Water + Leave for 2+ days } I swallowed.

After, you got dressed you told me you weren’t looking for anything serious. I paused. Just what you want to hear before you’ve fully digested someone’s cum. The taste still lingered in my mouth. You left. I for high on your weed and deleted your number.

Instagram

THE TWISTED TEA DIARY

by ThePeopleISleptWith

While I fully intended to hook up with his friend thanks to Three Twisted Tea tall cans I ended up in the wrong bed. “Want to get dinner Monday?” He asked, removing my shirt. I didn’t know how to tell him that while I was totally fine making out with him topless I wasn’t about to eat food alone with him.. even if it’s free. “Maybe…” I smiled, removing my bra. Like a gentlemen he began continued fondling my breasts.

The next day, after my thee hour nap I woke up to 10 texts messages. All from him. I took it as sign of mental instability and ignored them. Every day for the next week I received at least one text message, until New Years Eve. When he texted me to tell me “It’s over, I heard you have a sex blog. Glad I decided to drop it after New Years Eve. PEACE.”

8 REASONS I SHOULDN’T OF SLEPT WITH HIM

by ThePeopleISleptWith

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1) He tipped in change. 50 cents to be exact.

2) He said “he already” ate when I mentioned being hungry.

3) He suggested a threesome with a friend I saw at the bar… four times.

4) When the bartender handed me the wrong drink he said, ” She’ll just drink that.”

5) He only complimented my butt.

6) He ordered the exact amount of beers that I said would get me drunk.

7) He wore the wrong size condom.

8) He asked me if I came. If you have to ask the answer is no.

—-> Instagram

“IT DOESN’T FIT”

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I kneeled on all fours as he ~made love~ to me like an animal. This would have been fine if wasn’t using the jack-hammering technique, often used by first timers or high-school boyfriends. We were parked behind abandoned car dealership in the light of the day..  it could not have been more classy. As we drove away he looked at me. “It doesn’t fit.” I had no idea what he was talking about. “When I fuck you from behind it doesn’t fit, I can tell, you were fidgeting,” he said proud of his allegedly massive penis. I explained that it was fine. “It was just to fast, it didn’t feel good.” He refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside me from behind.

It wasn’t the size… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.

ONE PENIS IS ENOUGH

by ThePeopleISleptWith

” Let’s have a threesome?,” he said as I sipped my beer. I have to assume I uncontrollably rolled my eyes. ” Me, you and ( let’s call him ) Tom. ” ..Okay he caught my attention. Tom was the last name I expected to come out of his mouth, actually any male name would have been just as shocking. I have to admit later that night I did contemplate the idea. He wasn’t my boyfriend… this was just about sex… but did I really want to? How would it even work!? As I day dreamed about the perfect threesome scenario, involving Eric Andre of course, I couldn’t help but wonder if I really wanted that. Two penis’ entering me, seems aggressive.

A week and five beers later I found myself in his bedroom. He started by kissing my neck and slowly made his way downstairs. “I can’t wait to share you,” he whispered. IGNORE IT, IGNORE IT. I fought the urge to stop him, he was about to go down on me.. I’m only human. I spent the entire time he was inside me praying that he wouldn’t bring it up again.. unfortunately he did. I looked away as he described to me how it would work. Let’s just say it sounded pretty painful. Even if I hadn’t already decided not to.. my answer was definitely no now. Maybe I’m alone here but… one penis is enough.

DELETE ALL DRUNK SEXTS AND PRETEND THEY NEVER HAPPENED

by ThePeopleISleptWith

After a few drinks my casual conversation with hot acquaintance took a sharp turn. I promised myself I would never go back down that road so quick, but he had quite a way with words…. that is if you consider “I’ll make sure you cum,” a way with words. With every Pickleback shot I took I sent an increasingly suggestive text. I went to bed giddy but woke up full of regret. What my drunk brain perceived as charming in the light of day was quite the opposite. The angle of his dick pics were questionable. And the “You love my penis,” text was neither endearing nor true. I didn’t even know it. Thanks to me his head grew 3 sizes that day. I had no choice but to delete all the drunk sexts and pretend they never happened.

Forbidden Fruit

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My Orthodox Jewish boyfriend made plans to eat an edible and walk around the Museum of Natural History one Saturday. We split the medical chocolate bar in half and an hour later I realized you may have ate too much. I took a look at the box. The directions clearly stated that a serving size was 1/8th of the bar…. shit. I grabbed your hand and we made our way up to the dinosaur exhibit. “Oh I get it,” you stated. “Get what?” “Dinosaurs.” You went on to tell me how people planted fake fossils to mess with everyone. I laughed it off as a high thought.

The next night you came to my apartment, in an area of Brooklyn you most likely never stepped foot in. I spent the night prior scrubbing and reorganizing my apartment in order to create the illusion that I was a mature adult woman but my efforts went unnoticed. Plastic furniture and dinosaur toys just aren’t for adults. You didn’t seem to mind because you sat right on my bed, that laid on the floor without a box spring. We started making out and while I was shaved and ready for penetration I didn’t think you would have been down but I was wrong. You looked me in the eye slowly removed your yamaka while making your way down my body. Honestly I never felt so powerful. You started going down on me. I looked at the yamaka upside down on my floor, looked back at you and smiled at the God I don’t believe in.

After we had sex as I laid in your arms you brought up dinosaurs again. Well I mean my walls are covered in pictures of them so I can see where the thought came from. Turns out you seriously didn’t believe in dinosaurs. I spent the night trying to prove you wrong but it didn’t work. I could get behind not pushing buttons on Saturday but no dinosaurs.. Our short relationship ended when I was unable to expand your mind and you were unable to close mine. There was no way I could continuing dating someone who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.

NOT IN HERE

by ThePeopleISleptWith

He didn’t seem to mind that he was the only person who came during our 3 minute romp. I figured when I got up immediately to get dressed that he would take the hint and go home but he stayed in my bed. I left the room for a few minutes to drink some Gatorade and evaluate my life decisions. When I walked back into my bedroom he was still in bed, now lighting a cigarette from my secret pack nonetheless: I immediately yelled “NOT IN HERE!” Not only did he continue to light my cigarette but he didn’t apologize. Shocked, I told him to at least stand by the window. He moved to the window and I sat on my bed, fake texting, hoping that my lack of interest would make him feel uncomfortable and unwanted. Eventually I had to just tell him to leave because I had to wake up early….. I didn’t. But In the middle of gathering his belongings he looked at his phone and told me he was locked out of his apartment… Apparently he lent his key to his roommate who wouldn’t be home until tomorrow. Am I the only person in NYC he knew? Did he not have a friend whose place he could crash at? The disrespect made it was clear he wasn’t my friend. Unfortunately, because I MUST BE LIKED he spent the night. I got up at 8am, got dressed and ready for the job I didn’t have. I walked aimlessly in the opposite direction for ten minutes to make sure he was gone. When I got home I noticed three buds and cigarette ash all over my floor. I can’t understand how but he was shocked when I no longer wanted to see him.