The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: love

MY “FRIEND” WITH BENEFITS

by ThePeopleISleptWith

He texted me at 2:09am to hang out. “Just come do it real quick.” SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE GENTLEMEN. If you’re trying to sleep with someone, “real quick ” may not be the best way to persuade them. Yeah, lemme get out of my cozy bed for this quickie.

“Don’t be difficult, ” he replied. I wasn’t trying to be difficult or play hard to get. I never asked for anything. For him, I was never hard to get. For whatever reason, he was under the impression that I was on-call. A few disrespectful texts later, it was clear that we weren’t friends. It no longer mattered how good the sex was, I couldn’t be a hole to stick his dick in “real quick” anymore.

WINNING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We had been together for four months and for the first time in our relationship, the sex lasted longer than two minutes. Although I was pleasantly surprised, he seemed quite obviously annoyed. Sweat dripped off his forehead as he aggressively stabbed my insides with his penis.

Not long after he finished, he looked at me and proclaimed “I win.” ARE YOU ACTUALLY PROUD THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO MAKE ME ORGASM? The first person to reach an orgasm doesn’t “win.” I don’t know if he was a moron or an asshole BUT I dated him for three more months – and I lost every single time.

“IT DOESN’T FIT”

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I kneeled on all fours as he “made love” to me in the back of my Jeep, parked next to a dumpster. This would have been fine if he wasn’t using the jack-hammering technique (often used by first timers or high-school boyfriends). “It doesn’t fit” he said, simultaneously lighting a cigarette and a joint. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“From behind, it doesn’t fit. I can tell -you were fidgeting a lot” he said, proud of his apparently massive penis. I explained that it was fine. “It was just too fast. It didn’t feel good.” He refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside of me from behind. It wasn’t the size… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.

8 REASONS I SHOULDN’T HAVE SLEPT WITH HIM

by ThePeopleISleptWith

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1) He tipped in change. 50 cents to be exact.

2) He said “he already ate” when I mentioned being hungry.

3) He suggested a threesome with a friend I saw at the bar… four times.

4) When the bartender handed me the wrong drink he said, ” She’ll just drink that.”

5) He only complimented my butt.

6) He ordered the exact amount of beers that I said would get me drunk.

7) He wore the wrong size condom.

8) He asked me if I came. If you have to ask the answer is no.

—-> Instagram

The Fishbowl Effect

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We hooked up one afternoon after a bottle of Mango Mimosas. He was my roommate’s friend and I was convinced I had Vaginal Depression thanks to a Womens Health article. Our afternoon bone-sesh lasted a total of two minutes and cost me a fair amount of dignity and there really wasn’t much there to begin with.

“I’m about to get into a serious relationship, but if I weren’t we would make a good couple, right?” he asked handing me my sock so I could clean myself off. I wiped off his off-spring avoiding eye contact. To be honest I had mixed emotions. On one hand it was kind of perfect because no one would ever have to know. It won’t happen again. No drama. No awkward moments. On the other hand….. who does he think he is? I did the only thing I could think to do and kept drinking until I passed out at 6pm.

The next morning shorty after setting sail on a charter boat for a fishing trip with my roommates… and just as the sea sickness began to kick in I was informed my secret had been leaked. The regret, the sea, the jokes, the Mango Mimosas, the smelly fish… it was all too much. I spent the three hour trip throwing up into a bucket.

On land after a blunt, a beer and a Big Mac later things appeared to be looking up. That was until he walked in with his new girlfriend. I could sense the eyes on me looking for a reaction. I watched her kiss his lips knowing all too well where they were not even 24 hours ago. I didn’t realize “about to” meant that night. All the sudden I was back on the boat. I went to the bathroom and threw up again.

Forbidden Fruit

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My orthodox Jewish boyfriend took me on a date to the Museum of Natural History. Things were going great as we walked hand in hand admiring each exhibit. When we arrived at the dinosaur exhibit he dropped a bombshell on me. He told me that he did not believe in dinosaurs. Then went on for 20 minutes stating with utter certainty that fossils were planted by people to trick dumb people. I laughed it off praying he was just making a very bad joke.

A week later he came to my apartment, in an area of Brooklyn he most likely never stepped foot in. I spent the night prior scrubbing and reorganizing my apartment in order to create the illusion that I was a mature adult woman but my efforts went unnoticed. Plastic furniture, shark posters and dinosaur toys just aren’t for adults. He walked in and sat right on my bed, that laid on the floor without a box spring.

We started making out then he looked me in the eyes slowly removed his yamaka and made his way down my body. He started going down on me and I never felt so powerful. I looked at the yamaka upside down on my floor, back at him and smiled at the God I don’t believe in.

After we had sex as I laid in his arms he brought up dinosaurs again. My ceiling were covered in glow in the dark prehistoric creatures so I can see where the thought came from. Turns out he wasn’t joking he seriously didn’t believe in dinosaurs. I spent the night trying to prove him wrong.. unsuccessfully. I could get behind not pushing buttons on Saturday but no dinosaurs.. no way.

Our short relationship ended when I was unable to expand his mind and he was unable to close mine. There was no way I could continuing dating someone who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.

AN ODE TO THE UNCIRCUMCISED

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I pretended to be much more intoxicated than I was when I asked him for a ride home. He drove to my house, parked and invited me to the back seat. My plan was to kiss him, hopefully making him want more and then go straight to bed. But my lack of self control prevailed and I joined him in the backseat.

That’s when I saw my first uncut penis…. It was like a hermit crab coming out of its shell. A bald head popping threw a turtle neck. Was it attractive? No. But I’ve yet to see a dick that is. Most importantly it felt good. Fifteen minutes later I was fully satisfied and an advocate of the Uncircumcised Penis.

Lindsay Bluth, Arrested Development, said it best “It’s a Doberman, let it have its ears.”

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OH BABY I LIKE IT RAW

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Shortly after consuming three rolls of Sushi and four Sake Bombs I pulled my date into his bedroom. I had recently learned a new move – the “Gluck Gluck 9000” and I was ready to try it out. I began giving it my all… a pathetic attempt to make this mediocre man obsessed with me. Things seemed to be going according to plan when suddenly I felt queasy. At first I tried push through knowing I was only moments away from a triumph finish.

Please cum before I vomit I prayed, sweat dripping from my forehead as I performed the “Gluck Gluck” like a professional. I wasn’t about to walk away… all that hard work for nothing…no way. I had a job to finish so I kept going. Each second he was closer to cumming and I was closer to vomiting privately in the comfort of the bathroom. Just as I saw the light at the end of this nauseating tunnel I lost control. He came as I waited for him to notice the small but noticeable amount of regurgitated Sushi on his dick. Luckily for me he had no idea.. that or he’s pretending that it never happened, either way lesson learned. 

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Cigarettes and Video Games

by ThePeopleISleptWith

He didn’t seem to mind that he was the only person who came during our three minute romp. By that time the tequila had worn off and the reality of my decisions became clear. I put my pants on casually mentioning how early I had to get up the next day. A lie. It didn’t seem to register. I left the room for some Gatorade and fresh air while I evaluated my life. When I walked back into my bedroom he was still in bed, now lighting a cigarette from my emergency pack nonetheless.

“NOT IN HERE!” I slammed the door. Clearly unfazed by my attempt at intimidation he continued to light MY cigarette. ” I locked myself out, my roommate won’t be home ’til tomorrow,” he exhaled then ashed onto my night stand. “It’s just have to get up early,” I repeated…. Nothing. This was a universally understood, polite hint that he was rudely choosing to ignore. It was at that point that I had accepted he was either going to kill me or kill and eat me.

“I’ll be out by six.”

“Great.” Not great. I already had plans with myself to watch some Shark Week and finish what he stared but no. He clipped the cigarette in my candle. I got into bed and turned on the TV. After five minutes of scrolling we just couldn’t come to a compromise. I gave up unfortunately subjecting myself to Drive Angry.. the classic 2011 Nick Cage film. Five minutes of torture later he was still on the damn phone. For the first time in my life I leaned over praying to see another girls name so I could kick him to the curb but rest assured he was just playing rollercoaster tycoon. Somehow I found it more offensive.

I hit my bong about twelve times but no amount of weed was going to make that movie better or help me sleep next to that psychopath. That night I stayed up til six am watching various Nichols Cage films while a 31 year old man, whose last name I do not know, played video games on his phone.

SEX, DRUGS, THEN PLEASE LEAVE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

“Want to see my Beat Laboratory?”

…You had me at the Step Brothers reference. I followed you in giving you my usual rant about not being a relationship person – See it’s best to sabotage any chance for feelings ASAP. This way you’ll never even have to know if they liked you enough to date you. It’s all about creating the illusion that you’re control while you spend your nights drinking alone.

Maybe it was your Bob Dylan impression, LOST obsession, cute butt, the free weed or genuine love for Twisted Tea but we fucked on your unmade bed. Then again at my place. During the second time around you came in my mouth and I grabbed a glass of lemon water I had sitting on my nightstand. It wasn’t until I took a large gulp that I realized the lemon in the water had rotted. I was now drinking one of my infamous science experiments.

{ Lemon + Water + Leave for 2+ days } I swallowed.

After, you got dressed you told me you weren’t looking for anything serious. I paused. Just what you want to hear before you’ve fully digested someone’s cum. The taste still lingered in my mouth. You left. I got high on your weed and deleted your number.

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