The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRU

Tag: laugh

SHE COULDN’T HAVE WAITED?

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Like most 17 year olds I had to find sneaky ways to have sex with my boyfriend in my parents house. Luckily we had a basement. It was the perfect place to have sex since you could hear the door open, leaving just enough time to get dressed… that was until one day. We were going at it, completely naked, with the TV blasting and didn’t hear my mom coming downstairs. One second everything was fine then out of nowhere there my mom was standing in the doorway, with a perfect view of my boyfriend’s ass. She screamed, “OH MY GOD!”  ran upstairs and slammed the door. Still inside me, he looked into my eyes and said, “What the fuck, she couldn’t have waited until I came?”

“IT DOESN’T FIT”

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I kneeled on all fours as he “made love” to me like an animal. This would have been fine if he wasn’t humping me as fast a dog would hump a leg. Although hard and fast sex could be exciting and enjoyable this was not one of those times – parked behind abandoned store in the middle of the day..  it could not have been less sexy. As we drove away he looked at me and said, “It doesn’t fit.” I had no idea what he was talking about. “When I fuck you from behind it doesn’t fit, I can tell, you were fidgeting,” he said proud of his apparently HUGE penis. I explained to him that it was fine, it just didn’t feel good that fast at that moment. Of course he refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside me from behind. The problem was not the size of the wave at all… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.

the sweetest thing

Forbidden Fruit

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We made plans to eat an edible and walk around the Museum of Natural History one Saturday. We split the THC chocolate bar in half and an hour later I realized you may have ate too much. I took a look at the box. The directions clearly stated that a serving size was 1/8th of the bar, ooops.  I grabbed your hand and we made our way up to the dinosaur exhibit. “Oh I get it,” you stated. “Get what?” “Dinosaurs.” You went on to tell me how people planted fake fossils to mess with everyone. I laughed it off as a high thought.

The next night you came to my apartment, in an area of Brooklyn you most likely never stepped foot in. I spent the night prior scrubbing and reorganizing my apartment in order to create the illusion that I was a mature adult woman but my efforts went unnoticed. Plastic furniture and dinosaur toys just aren’t for adults. You didn’t seem to mind because you sat right on my bed, that laid on the floor without a box spring. We started making out and while I was shaved and ready for penetration I didn’t think you would have been down but I was wrong. You looked me in the eye slowly removed your yamaka while making you way down my body. You started going down on me. I looked at the yamaka upside down on my floor, looked back at you and smiled at the God I don’t believe in.

After we had sex as I laid in your arms you brought up dinosaurs again. Well I mean my walls are covered in pictures of them so I can see where the thought came from. Turns out you seriously didn’t believe in dinosaurs. I spent the night trying to prove you wrong but it didn’t work. Our short relationship ended when I was unable to expand your mind and you were unable to close mine. There was no way I could continuing dating someone who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.

PUBIC HAIR STYLIST

by ThePeopleISleptWith

One day I came across an article about the different ways one can shave their pubic hair. Intrigued and bored I decided to try “The Martini Glass.” I’m not exactly the most artistic person, in-fact I’m awful but I tried my best. I was proud that it at least resembled a martini glass but it was far from perfect. I kept trying to even if out but I just kept making things worse. Eventually I forgot about my short-lived career as a pubic hair stylist and went about my day. That night I unexpectedly ran into my friend with benefits. I completely forgot about the deformed martini glass until he took off my underwear. Too late to do anything about it I decided to own it and play it off as a joke. He stared at it for a few seconds then laughed. I’m still unsure if he was laughing with me or at me.161918_217877070637_5073933_n

SILENCE

by ThePeopleISleptWith

He lived with his best friend so every time we had sex he would turn up volume on the TV or blast music. It wasn’t until one night when the movie ended that I noticed something odd… he stays completely silent during sex. He just laid there, not a word or even a moan. Was he enjoying himself? He looked like he was but it was quiet, way too quiet. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t trying to have a conversation just some reassurance. Without any noise from the TV or moans there was nothing but the weird sounds of our bodies rubbing. Out of curiosity I asked him if he liked it.. he just nodded. Before I could think of a question that he would have to answer he came. After that I made a point to make sure the TV was on.

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