The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: hump

“IT DOESN’T FIT”

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I kneeled on all fours as he “made love” to me in the back of my Jeep, parked next to a dumpster. This would have been fine if he wasn’t using the jack-hammering technique (often used by first timers or high-school boyfriends). “It doesn’t fit” he said, simultaneously lighting a cigarette and a joint. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“From behind, it doesn’t fit. I can tell -you were fidgeting a lot” he said, proud of his apparently massive penis. I explained that it was fine. “It was just too fast. It didn’t feel good.” He refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside of me from behind. It wasn’t the size… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.

SWEAT, TEARS AND VOMIT

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was Thanksgiving Eve I was on my fifth game of beer pong when a boy I had been having casual sex with over the summer walked through the door. Our “relationship” fizzled out when he left for college and after four unanswered texts I had given up on him and clearly my dignity. I had planned to leave the party and met up with some dude who sent me a series of unsolicited but impressive dick pictures the night prior. But there is was… hand full of whisky, belly full of pills, looking real good. He looked directly at me and I knew that moment I wasn’t going anywhere besides his car in the parking lot.

Two shots of Vodka later we were outside alone. He didn’t say anything. He just kissed me. And before I knew it we were ripping off each-others clothes in the back of his Jetta with our friends smoking cigarettes barely six feat away.

I began going down on him when i heard his stomach rumble. He started to dry heave, opened the car door -turning on the interior lights and threw up. Half on the street, half on the car. Our friends stared blankly with a perfect view of our naked bodies. I wanted to comfort him but not as much as I wanted to hide. He was sitting on top my clothing crying so I tried rubbing his shoulder to console him as I yanked my clothing out from underneath him and ran inside.

“He has a girlfriend at college. Did you know that?” A friend asked as he passed me a joint only moments after my run of shame. I took a hit but on the inside I was screaming. I exhaled.

“No, I obviously I did not know that.” I zoned out, starring at the Christmas lights prematurely hung on the wall. He texted me that he made it home safe and planned to “make it up,” to me… I planned to punch him in the face.