The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: humor

OUT COLD

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was clear that he was beyond hammered when I picked him up from his co-workers party. We had been hanging out for a few weeks and this was the first time I saw him drunk. He could barely communicate with me, but insisted on making out with my tits at every red light.. whether there was a car next to us or not.  I had planned to sleep at his house but when we got there he was out cold.

It was the first time I saw this overly confident/cocky guy completely helpless. I put his arm around my neck and attempted to escort him into his house, but he was all dead weight. I tried slapping him, blasting music, twisting his nipples.. nothing worked. There was no way I alone could get him out of my car, let alone into his house. After 30 minutes of trying to wake him up I gave up.

I wanted to sleep. I drove back to my house and since there was no way I was even going to attempt to bring him inside for my parents to see I left him in my car…. with the window open. I assumed he would wake up confused so I left a note on his chest with a White Castle receipt. 

MY “FRIEND” WITH BENEFITS

by ThePeopleISleptWith

He texted me at 2:09am to hang out. “Just come do it real quick.” SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE GENTLEMEN. If you’re trying to sleep with someone, “real quick ” may not be the best way to persuade them. Yeah, lemme get out of my cozy bed for this quickie.

“Don’t be difficult, ” he replied. I wasn’t trying to be difficult or play hard to get. I never asked for anything. For him, I was never hard to get. For whatever reason, he was under the impression that I was on-call. A few disrespectful texts later, it was clear that we weren’t friends. It no longer mattered how good the sex was, I couldn’t be a hole to stick his dick in “real quick” anymore.

WINNING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We had been together for four months and for the first time in our relationship, the sex lasted longer than two minutes. Although I was pleasantly surprised, he seemed quite obviously annoyed. Sweat dripped off his forehead as he aggressively stabbed my insides with his penis.

Not long after he finished, he looked at me and proclaimed “I win.” ARE YOU ACTUALLY PROUD THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO MAKE ME ORGASM? The first person to reach an orgasm doesn’t “win.” I don’t know if he was a moron or an asshole BUT I dated him for three more months – and I lost every single time.

“IT DOESN’T FIT”

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I kneeled on all fours as he “made love” to me in the back of my Jeep, parked next to a dumpster. This would have been fine if he wasn’t using the jack-hammering technique (often used by first timers or high-school boyfriends). “It doesn’t fit” he said, simultaneously lighting a cigarette and a joint. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“From behind, it doesn’t fit. I can tell -you were fidgeting a lot” he said, proud of his apparently massive penis. I explained that it was fine. “It was just too fast. It didn’t feel good.” He refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside of me from behind. It wasn’t the size… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.

SWEAT, TEARS AND VOMIT

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was Thanksgiving Eve I was on my fifth game of beer pong when a boy I had been having casual sex with over the summer walked through the door. Our “relationship” fizzled out when he left for college and after four unanswered texts I had given up on him and clearly my dignity. I had planned to leave the party and met up with some dude who sent me a series of unsolicited but impressive dick pictures the night prior. But there is was… hand full of whisky, belly full of pills, looking real good. He looked directly at me and I knew that moment I wasn’t going anywhere besides his car in the parking lot.

Two shots of Vodka later we were outside alone. He didn’t say anything. He just kissed me. And before I knew it we were ripping off each-others clothes in the back of his Jetta with our friends smoking cigarettes barely six feat away.

I began going down on him when i heard his stomach rumble. He started to dry heave, opened the car door -turning on the interior lights and threw up. Half on the street, half on the car. Our friends stared blankly with a perfect view of our naked bodies. I wanted to comfort him but not as much as I wanted to hide. He was sitting on top my clothing crying so I tried rubbing his shoulder to console him as I yanked my clothing out from underneath him and ran inside.

“He has a girlfriend at college. Did you know that?” A friend asked as he passed me a joint only moments after my run of shame. I took a hit but on the inside I was screaming. I exhaled.

“No, I obviously I did not know that.” I zoned out, starring at the Christmas lights prematurely hung on the wall. He texted me that he made it home safe and planned to “make it up,” to me… I planned to punch him in the face.

SURPRISE!

by ThePeopleISleptWith

After a night of drinking my boyfriend and I went back to his apartment to hook up. While I was going on him he was trying to tell me something but I couldn’t decode his slurred-drunken speech. He sounded like he was enjoying what I was doing so I kept going.

Not long after he mumbled again, but this time is sounded like a question. I naively nodded …. I wasn’t about to take his dick out of my mouth and ask him to repeat himself. A second later he pulled out and came all over my face and hair. I stood there in shock, covered in semen. Apparently he was asking me if he could cum on my face.

LESSON LEARNED: KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING YES TO. 

The Fishbowl Effect

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We hooked up one afternoon after a bottle of Mango Mimosas. He was my roommate’s friend and I was convinced I had Vaginal Depression thanks to a Womens Health article. Our afternoon bone-sesh lasted a total of two minutes and cost me a fair amount of dignity and there really wasn’t much there to begin with.

“I’m about to get into a serious relationship, but if I weren’t we would make a good couple, right?” he asked handing me my sock so I could clean myself off. I wiped off his off-spring avoiding eye contact. To be honest I had mixed emotions. On one hand it was kind of perfect because no one would ever have to know. It won’t happen again. No drama. No awkward moments. On the other hand….. who does he think he is? I did the only thing I could think to do and kept drinking until I passed out at 6pm.

The next morning shorty after setting sail on a charter boat for a fishing trip with my roommates… and just as the sea sickness began to kick in I was informed my secret had been leaked. The regret, the sea, the jokes, the Mango Mimosas, the smelly fish… it was all too much. I spent the three hour trip throwing up into a bucket.

On land after a blunt, a beer and a Big Mac later things appeared to be looking up. That was until he walked in with his new girlfriend. I could sense the eyes on me looking for a reaction. I watched her kiss his lips knowing all too well where they were not even 24 hours ago. I didn’t realize “about to” meant that night. All the sudden I was back on the boat. I went to the bathroom and threw up again.

Forbidden Fruit

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My orthodox Jewish boyfriend took me on a date to the Museum of Natural History. Things were going great as we walked hand in hand admiring each exhibit. When we arrived at the dinosaur exhibit he dropped a bombshell on me. He told me that he did not believe in dinosaurs. Then went on for 20 minutes stating with utter certainty that fossils were planted by people to trick dumb people. I laughed it off praying he was just making a very bad joke.

A week later he came to my apartment, in an area of Brooklyn he most likely never stepped foot in. I spent the night prior scrubbing and reorganizing my apartment in order to create the illusion that I was a mature adult woman but my efforts went unnoticed. Plastic furniture, shark posters and dinosaur toys just aren’t for adults. He walked in and sat right on my bed, that laid on the floor without a box spring.

We started making out then he looked me in the eyes slowly removed his yamaka and made his way down my body. He started going down on me and I never felt so powerful. I looked at the yamaka upside down on my floor, back at him and smiled at the God I don’t believe in.

After we had sex as I laid in his arms he brought up dinosaurs again. My ceiling were covered in glow in the dark prehistoric creatures so I can see where the thought came from. Turns out he wasn’t joking he seriously didn’t believe in dinosaurs. I spent the night trying to prove him wrong.. unsuccessfully. I could get behind not pushing buttons on Saturday but no dinosaurs.. no way.

Our short relationship ended when I was unable to expand his mind and he was unable to close mine. There was no way I could continuing dating someone who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.