The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: hooking up

SEX, DRUGS, THEN PLEASE LEAVE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

“Want to see my Beat Laboratory?”

…You had me at the Step Brothers reference. I followed you in giving you my usual rant about not being a relationship person – See it’s best to sabotage any chance for feelings ASAP. This way you’ll never even have to know if they liked you enough to date you. It’s all about creating the illusion that you’re control while you spend your nights drinking alone.

Maybe it was your Bob Dylan impression, LOST obsession, cute butt, the free weed or genuine love for Twisted Tea but we fucked on your unmade bed. Then again at my place. During the second time around you came in my mouth and I grabbed a glass of lemon water I had sitting on my nightstand. It wasn’t until I took a large gulp that I realized the lemon in the water had rotted. I was now drinking one of my infamous science experiments.

{ Lemon + Water + Leave for 2+ days } I swallowed.

After, you got dressed you told me you weren’t looking for anything serious. I paused. Just what you want to hear before you’ve fully digested someone’s cum. The taste still lingered in my mouth. You left. I for high on your weed and deleted your number.

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THE TWISTED TEA DIARY

by ThePeopleISleptWith

While I fully intended to hook up with his friend thanks to Three Twisted Tea tall cans I ended up in the wrong bed. “Want to get dinner Monday?” He asked, removing my shirt. I didn’t know how to tell him that while I was totally fine making out with him topless I wasn’t about to eat food alone with him.. even if it’s free. “Maybe…” I smiled, removing my bra. Like a gentlemen he began continued fondling my breasts.

The next day, after my thee hour nap I woke up to 10 texts messages. All from him. I took it as sign of mental instability and ignored them. Every day for the next week I received at least one text message, until New Years Eve. When he texted me to tell me “It’s over, I heard you have a sex blog. Glad I decided to drop it after New Years Eve. PEACE.”

ONE PENIS IS ENOUGH

by ThePeopleISleptWith

” Let’s have a threesome?,” he said as I sipped my beer. I have to assume I uncontrollably rolled my eyes. ” Me, you and ( let’s call him ) Tom. ” ..Okay he caught my attention. Tom was the last name I expected to come out of his mouth, actually any male name would have been just as shocking. I have to admit later that night I did contemplate the idea. He wasn’t my boyfriend… this was just about sex… but did I really want to? How would it even work!? As I day dreamed about the perfect threesome scenario, involving Eric Andre of course, I couldn’t help but wonder if I really wanted that. Two penis’ entering me, seems aggressive.

A week and five beers later I found myself in his bedroom. He started by kissing my neck and slowly made his way downstairs. “I can’t wait to share you,” he whispered. IGNORE IT, IGNORE IT. I fought the urge to stop him, he was about to go down on me.. I’m only human. I spent the entire time he was inside me praying that he wouldn’t bring it up again.. unfortunately he did. I looked away as he described to me how it would work. Let’s just say it sounded pretty painful. Even if I hadn’t already decided not to.. my answer was definitely no now. Maybe I’m alone here but… one penis is enough.

LATE NIGHT PARTY?

by ThePeopleISleptWith

At 1:23 AM I received this text from a boy I kind of knew. “Late night party? ; )” I giggled and showed it to a friend who was sitting right next to me. He was hot and I probably would of hung out with him if it wasn’t for the odd suggestive text. At 1:44 AM my friend ran over to me laughing. She received a text from the same boy only 21 minutes later:  “LETSSS FUQ”.. did he really need to abbreviate “fuck?” Did he think “FUQ” was some how more endearing? We both responded “No thank you” and blocked him.

GAME OVER

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I went down on him while he sat in the front seat of his car. I could hear the voices of our friends playing beer-pong and the music from the party we ditched. The voices grew closer as his moans grew more intense.  Don’t gag, don’t gag… I prayed as I gave it my all. I must have been too distracted by his ball sweat.. wondering if he even showered that day to notice our friends were approaching the car. Without warning he pushed my head down, all the way, holding me there so they couldn’t could see. GAME OVER, I lifted my head up and jumped back. I put my clothes on, silently, avoiding eye contact as I waited for my friends to continue walking down the street. I left the car, glancing back at him giving him to chance to apologize then slammed the door.

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EAT GREAT, EVEN LATE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

The second he walked through the door it was on. He ripped and I literally mean ripped my clothes off. We moved to the living-room where he bent me over my couch and inserted himself inside me. Just as things were heating up he farted. No not a silent-but-deadly, or a quick fart. A long and loud fart. My initial reaction was to laugh but when he ignored it I knew making a joke of it was out of the question. As I continued to fight the urge to laugh, which became increasingly harder with every thrust, I smelt it. I spent the next minute or so trying to figure out what he had for dinner. I detected a hint of TacoBell. To avoid cracking up I was forced to cover my mouth with my hand and eventually shoved my face into my couch cushion.. I expected him to make a joke about after he finished, instead he acted like it never happen.. even though the smell still lingered.

PERIOD PANTIES

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I knew he would be at my friends party and unfortunately I knew I wouldn’t be able to control myself around him. BUT I had a plan, I didn’t shave my legs and purposely wore period panties.. that way no matter what he said or how I felt I wouldn’t hook up with him. Four margaritas later I regretted that decision. I should of known there was no possible way to avoid forgiving him the second he looked into my eyes. I have to admire him for it, it’s a talent. I searched my friends bathroom for a razor and stupidly dry shaved my legs as fast as I could. One problem solved but I was still wearing period panties. I went back to his house anyway. As he kissed me all I could think about was how embarrassed I was going to be when he saw what was underneath BUT he ripped my clothes off too fast to notice, RELIEF. We finished and he went to the bathroom. I got dressed quickly but couldn’t find my underwear. His room was a mess, stuff all over the floor. I quickly put my leggings on. He kissed me romantically as my eyes continued to search the room. Just when I was about to give up and never speak to him again I found them by the door. I quickly shoved them into my purse. The moment I arrived home I threw them in the trash.

OUT COLD

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was clear that he was beyond hammered when I picked him up from his co-workers party. We had been hanging out for a few weeks and this was the first time I saw him drunk. He could barely communicate with me, but insisted on making out with my tits at every red light.. whether there was a car next to us or not.  I had planned to sleep at his house but when we got there he was out cold. It was the first time I saw this overly confident/cocky guy completely helpless. I put his arm around my neck and attempted to escort him into his house, but he was all dead weight. I tried slapping him, blasting music, twisting his nipples.. nothing worked. There was no way I alone could get him out of my car, let alone into his house. After 30 minutes of trying to wake him up I gave up. I wanted to sleep. I drove back to my house and since there was no way I was even going to attempt to bring him inside for my parents to see I left him in my car…. with the window open. I assumed he would wake up confused so I left a note on his chest with a White Castle receipt. Image