The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: hook up

SEX, DRUGS, THEN PLEASE LEAVE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

“Want to see my Beat Laboratory?”

…You had me at the Step Brothers reference. I followed you in giving you my usual rant about not being a relationship person – See it’s best to sabotage any chance for feelings ASAP. This way you’ll never even have to know if they liked you enough to date you. It’s all about creating the illusion that you’re control while you spend your nights drinking alone.

Maybe it was your Bob Dylan impression, LOST obsession, cute butt, the free weed or genuine love for Twisted Tea but we fucked on your unmade bed. Then again at my place. During the second time around you came in my mouth and I grabbed a glass of lemon water I had sitting on my nightstand. It wasn’t until I took a large gulp that I realized the lemon in the water had rotted. I was now drinking one of my infamous science experiments.

{ Lemon + Water + Leave for 2+ days } I swallowed.

After, you got dressed you told me you weren’t looking for anything serious. I paused. Just what you want to hear before you’ve fully digested someone’s cum. The taste still lingered in my mouth. You left. I for high on your weed and deleted your number.

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THE TWISTED TEA DIARY

by ThePeopleISleptWith

While I fully intended to hook up with his friend thanks to Three Twisted Tea tall cans I ended up in the wrong bed. “Want to get dinner Monday?” He asked, removing my shirt. I didn’t know how to tell him that while I was totally fine making out with him topless I wasn’t about to eat food alone with him.. even if it’s free. “Maybe…” I smiled, removing my bra. Like a gentlemen he began continued fondling my breasts.

The next day, after my thee hour nap I woke up to 10 texts messages. All from him. I took it as sign of mental instability and ignored them. Every day for the next week I received at least one text message, until New Years Eve. When he texted me to tell me “It’s over, I heard you have a sex blog. Glad I decided to drop it after New Years Eve. PEACE.”

THE PERSON I THINK I SLEPT WITH

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My contacts were stuck to my eyes. I could feel his beer breath on the back of my neck. I had underwear and a wife beater on… but no bra. His hands moved slowly from my waist to my ass… did I sleep with him? The night prior was a blur. It wasn’t until I saw the bottle of Jagermeister on the night stand, next to the White Castle bag, that I realized.. I probably did. He sat up, afraid I hid most of my face underneath the covers, as if that could magically make him go away. I felt a warm kiss on my forehead then he left the room. I should of asked him what happened but I’m not sure I wanted to know. I got dressed quickly and walked out of his room. Disheveled and disoriented I walked right into the living room where four of his friends were hanging out. After 10 of the most awkward seconds of my life he followed me to the door. ” I had fun,” he said but before he could lean in for a kiss I gave him a high-five. I guess I’ll never know.

THE OH SHIT LIST

by ThePeopleISleptWith

One Sunday afternoon I found myself in an all too familiar situation… I was on a date and I had no idea. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to grab a bite, so I met him downtown. A turkey sandwich and three beers later the check came. He grabbed the check quickly and refused to let me pay for my meal and drinks. I know most men thinks it’s the polite thing to do and it is on a first date BUT to my knowledge this wasn’t a date. I couldn’t help but feel obligated to grab a drink with him. A drink turned into several drinks and before I knew it he was inviting me back to his place to “watch a movie.” AlI I wanted was to go home and binge watch Seinfeld until I passed out… but the 40 minute drunk subway ride back to my apartment wasn’t very appealing. One minute I was falling asleep on his couch the next minute we were making out. It’s safe to say it was the alcohol that decided it would be a good idea sleep with him. When I woke up all I could think was OH SHIT. I got dressed while he sat on his bed texting. He looked up at me and said, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship.” WHEN DID I SAY I WAS!? Did he really think a drunk hookup was my way of starting a committed long term relationship? No. I thought we were just grabbing a bite. I left and quickly added him to my list of drunken mistakes.. aka The Oh Shit list.

OUT COLD

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was clear that he was beyond hammered when I picked him up from his co-workers party. We had been hanging out for a few weeks and this was the first time I saw him drunk. He could barely communicate with me, but insisted on making out with my tits at every red light.. whether there was a car next to us or not.  I had planned to sleep at his house but when we got there he was out cold. It was the first time I saw this overly confident/cocky guy completely helpless. I put his arm around my neck and attempted to escort him into his house, but he was all dead weight. I tried slapping him, blasting music, twisting his nipples.. nothing worked. There was no way I alone could get him out of my car, let alone into his house. After 30 minutes of trying to wake him up I gave up. I wanted to sleep. I drove back to my house and since there was no way I was even going to attempt to bring him inside for my parents to see I left him in my car…. with the window open. I assumed he would wake up confused so I left a note on his chest with a White Castle receipt. Image