The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: funny

ACCIDENTAL PENETRATION

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We were doing it “doggy style,” as I laid on my belly, when he slipped and accidentally inserted himself inside… my back door. Now that was the first time that ever happened and the pain I felt cannot be described. I understand that given the right person/circumstance it could… maybe be enjoyable… but with no warning and no lube NO THANK YOU. I jumped up and ran out of the room. After composing myself and whipping away the tears, that I could not control, I walked back into his room. He sat up on the bed, naked, eating chicken fingers and said “MY BAD…” , without a shred of guilt or concern… an image that is forever ingrained in my brain. Still in a massive amount of pain I got dressed and sat back down. As I tried to compose myself for some reason he decided that it was an appropriate time to bring up the possibility of anal sex.. on purpose. If it were not for his family being downstairs I would have screamed. I could not even comprehend the idea while still in so much anguish. I didn’t bother to reply, so we sat their quietly as he finished his chicken fingers… that he didn’t even offer to me.

LATE NIGHT PARTY?

by ThePeopleISleptWith

At 1:23 AM I received this text from a boy I kind of knew. “Late night party? ; )” I giggled and showed it to a friend who was sitting right next to me. He was hot and I probably would of hung out with him if it wasn’t for the odd suggestive text. At 1:44 AM my friend ran over to me laughing. She received a text from the same boy only 21 minutes later:  “LETSSS FUQ”.. did he really need to abbreviate “fuck?” Did he think “FUQ” was some how more endearing? We both responded “No thank you” and blocked him.

THE PERSON I THINK I SLEPT WITH

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My contacts were stuck to my eyes. I could feel his beer breath on the back of my neck. I had underwear and a wife beater on… but no bra. His hands moved slowly from my waist to my ass… did I sleep with him? The night prior was a blur. It wasn’t until I saw the bottle of Jagermeister on the night stand, next to the White Castle bag, that I realized.. I probably did. He sat up, afraid I hid most of my face underneath the covers, as if that could magically make him go away. I felt a warm kiss on my forehead then he left the room. I should of asked him what happened but I’m not sure I wanted to know. I got dressed quickly and walked out of his room. Disheveled and disoriented I walked right into the living room where four of his friends were hanging out. After 10 of the most awkward seconds of my life he followed me to the door. ” I had fun,” he said but before he could lean in for a kiss I gave him a high-five. I guess I’ll never know.

PUBIC HAIR STYLIST

by ThePeopleISleptWith

One day I came across an article about the different ways one can shave their pubic hair. Intrigued and bored I decided to try “The Martini Glass.” I’m not exactly the most artistic person, in-fact I’m awful but I tried my best. I was proud that it at least resembled a martini glass but it was far from perfect. I kept trying to even if out but I just kept making things worse. Eventually I forgot about my short-lived career as a pubic hair stylist and went about my day. That night I unexpectedly ran into my friend with benefits. I completely forgot about the deformed martini glass until he took off my underwear. Too late to do anything about it I decided to own it and play it off as a joke. He stared at it for a few seconds then laughed and high-fived me. I think I feel I’m love a little.

THREE PUMPS

by ThePeopleISleptWith

After six months of heavy drinking, good friends and various hallalifonogens. I got over my ex. Of course that’s when he decided to text me. It didn’t help that I was just drunk enough to think that answering him was a good idea. After a few more beers I would of been too busy singing “Total Eclipse of The Heart “to reply. I wasn’t surprised when the friendly conversation quickly turned sexual. Or when he picked me up later that night and drove to our “spot” …that use to be romantic.  We quickly moved to the back seat and he ripped off my clothes. I guess he thought that texting was enough foreplay because he just stuck it right in. One pump, two pumps, three pumps and he was done.

SURPRISE!

by ThePeopleISleptWith

After a night of drinking my boyfriend and I went back to his apartment to have sex. After I came I went down on him. He was trying to tell me something but I couldn’t decode his slurred-drunken speech. He sounded like he was enjoying what I was doing so I didn’t want to stop to ask him what he said. Not long after he mumbled again, but this time is sounded like a question. I decided just to nod. What was I suppose to do take his dick out of my mouth and ask him to repeat himself!? A second later he pulled out and came all over my face. I stood there in shock, covered in his semen. Apparently he was asking me if he could cum on my face.

LESSON LEARNED: KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING YES TO. 

WAY TOO LONG

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I never thought I would say this but he lasted too long… way too long. A Breaking Bad episode (that I had yet to see) started and ended during our romp. There was a moment 20 minutes in that I could tell he was close at but he stopped and said, “I don’t want to cum yet.” I was ready for bed. Fifteen minutes later I felt nothing but sore. I tried to get into it but I couldn’t help but stare at the clock on my wall t- okay if we finishes now I’ll get 5 hours of sleep. Of course I should of just said something – but the relationship was in a fragile state. After another fifteen minutes I had to do something so I told him that I wanted him to cum. “Not until you do one more time,” he said. That wasn’t going to happen but how could I say no? I faked it, paying more attention to the episode.

INTERNET STALKING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I’m over him, no longer interested.. and I’m not just saying that to convince myself. It’s been a while I’ve had new dick but I NEED to know what his new girlfriend looks like. I’m not proud of this but it’s not like I’m driving past his house (only once) or calling him then hanging up (twice), it’s just an innocent click away. We all have done it. You click on her page because what else do you have to do? I KNOW – Why would you waste time and energy unless you’re threatened by it? Maybe because it’s just that easy. PROBLEM: Her Facebook page is private and the only thing I can see is 4 profile pictures.

PICTURE 1: The “I love my friends” group picture of 6 girls. No one really stands out.

PICTURE 2: The “Bestie” with 2 out of the 6 girls. Okay narrowed it down it down to 2.

PICTURE 3: The “Weird abstract angle with dim lighting.” Her long curly black hair not only covers most of her face but doesn’t match the hair of either 2 girls. DAMN IT.

PICTURE 4: An inspirational meme. USELESS.

After a few minutes of studying the few facial features I could see in picture 3 and searching twitter and Instagram, I gave up. Maybe it was for the best, I could of easily accidentally liked a picture or favorited a tweet.