The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: friends with benefits

The Fishbowl Effect

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We hooked up one afternoon after a bottle of Mango Mimosas. He was my roommate’s friend and I was convinced I had Vaginal Depression thanks to a Womens Health article. Our afternoon bone-sesh lasted a total of two minutes and cost me a fair amount of dignity and there really wasn’t much there to begin with.

“I’m about to get into a serious relationship, but if I weren’t we would make a good couple, right?” he asked handing me my sock so I could clean myself off. I wiped off his off-spring avoiding eye contact. To be honest I had mixed emotions. On one hand it was kind of perfect because no one would ever have to know. It won’t happen again. No drama. No awkward moments. On the other hand….. who does he think he is? I did the only thing I could think to do and kept drinking until I passed out at 6pm.

The next morning shorty after setting sail on a charter boat for a fishing trip with my roommates… and just as the sea sickness began to kick in I was informed my secret had been leaked. The regret, the sea, the jokes, the Mango Mimosas, the smelly fish… it was all too much. I spent the three hour trip throwing up into a bucket.

On land after a blunt, a beer and a Big Mac later things appeared to be looking up. That was until he walked in with his new girlfriend. I could sense the eyes on me looking for a reaction. I watched her kiss his lips knowing all too well where they were not even 24 hours ago. I didn’t realize “about to” meant that night. All the sudden I was back on the boat. I went to the bathroom and threw up again.

Forbidden Fruit

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My orthodox Jewish boyfriend took me on a date to the Museum of Natural History. Things were going great as we walked hand in hand admiring each exhibit. When we arrived at the dinosaur exhibit he dropped a bombshell on me. He told me that he did not believe in dinosaurs. Then went on for 20 minutes stating with utter certainty that fossils were planted by people to trick dumb people. I laughed it off praying he was just making a very bad joke.

A week later he came to my apartment, in an area of Brooklyn he most likely never stepped foot in. I spent the night prior scrubbing and reorganizing my apartment in order to create the illusion that I was a mature adult woman but my efforts went unnoticed. Plastic furniture, shark posters and dinosaur toys just aren’t for adults. He walked in and sat right on my bed, that laid on the floor without a box spring.

We started making out then he looked me in the eyes slowly removed his yamaka and made his way down my body. He started going down on me and I never felt so powerful. I looked at the yamaka upside down on my floor, back at him and smiled at the God I don’t believe in.

After we had sex as I laid in his arms he brought up dinosaurs again. My ceiling were covered in glow in the dark prehistoric creatures so I can see where the thought came from. Turns out he wasn’t joking he seriously didn’t believe in dinosaurs. I spent the night trying to prove him wrong.. unsuccessfully. I could get behind not pushing buttons on Saturday but no dinosaurs.. no way.

Our short relationship ended when I was unable to expand his mind and he was unable to close mine. There was no way I could continuing dating someone who doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.

PUBIC HAIR STYLIST

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Recently I came across an article about the fun shapes one can shave their pubic hair into. I was intrigued and very bored so I attempted “The Martini Glass.” Turns out it’s much harder than it looks. I was off to a rough start and things just went down hill from there. I won’t lie… It wasn’t good. To my credit it did slightly resemble a martini glass but no I wasn’t about to show it off and quit my day job.

I forgot about my short-lived career as a pubic hair stylist and went about my day. That night I unexpectedly ran into my friend with benefits. I had completely forgot about the deformed Martini glass until he took off my underwear. He inspected it. “It’s a Martini Glass…” I shrugged. He laughed and high-fived me. I think I fell in love a little.

SEX, DRUGS, THEN PLEASE LEAVE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

“Want to see my Beat Laboratory?”

…You had me at the Step Brothers reference. I followed you in giving you my usual rant about not being a relationship person – See it’s best to sabotage any chance for feelings ASAP. This way you’ll never even have to know if they liked you enough to date you. It’s all about creating the illusion that you’re control while you spend your nights drinking alone.

Maybe it was your Bob Dylan impression, LOST obsession, cute butt, the free weed or genuine love for Twisted Tea but we fucked on your unmade bed. Then again at my place. During the second time around you came in my mouth and I grabbed a glass of lemon water I had sitting on my nightstand. It wasn’t until I took a large gulp that I realized the lemon in the water had rotted. I was now drinking one of my infamous science experiments.

{ Lemon + Water + Leave for 2+ days } I swallowed.

After, you got dressed you told me you weren’t looking for anything serious. I paused. Just what you want to hear before you’ve fully digested someone’s cum. The taste still lingered in my mouth. You left. I got high on your weed and deleted your number.

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MY “FRIEND” WITH BENEFITS

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Friends with benefits: A fun sexual relationship between two friends……  that is until one is inevitability hurt by the other, ending the friendship for good.
He texted me at 2:09am to hang out. “Just come do it real quick.” SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE GENTLEMEN. If you’re trying to sleep with someone “real quick ” may not be the best way to persuade them. Yeah, lemme get out of my cozy bed for this quicky. “Don’t be difficult, ” he replied. I wasn’t trying to be difficult or play hard to get. I never asked for anything..for him I was never hard to get. For whatever reason he was under the impression that I was on call. A few disrespectful texts later it was clear we weren’t friends. It no longer mattered how good the sex was I couldn’t be a hole to stick his dick in “real quick” anymore.

OUT COLD

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was clear that he was beyond hammered when I picked him up from his co-workers party. We had been hanging out for a few weeks and this was the first time I saw him drunk. He could barely communicate with me, but insisted on making out with my tits at every red light.. whether there was a car next to us or not.  I had planned to sleep at his house but when we got there he was out cold. It was the first time I saw this overly confident/cocky guy completely helpless. I put his arm around my neck and attempted to escort him into his house, but he was all dead weight. I tried slapping him, blasting music, twisting his nipples.. nothing worked. There was no way I alone could get him out of my car, let alone into his house. After 30 minutes of trying to wake him up I gave up. I wanted to sleep. I drove back to my house and since there was no way I was even going to attempt to bring him inside for my parents to see I left him in my car…. with the window open. I assumed he would wake up confused so I left a note on his chest with a White Castle receipt. Image