The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: drinking

The Fishbowl Effect

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We hooked up one afternoon after a bottle of Mango Mimosas. He was my roommate’s friend and I was convinced I had Vaginal Depression thanks to a Womens Health article. Our afternoon bone-sesh lasted a total of two minutes and cost me a fair amount of dignity and there really wasn’t much there to begin with.

“I’m about to get into a serious relationship, but if I weren’t we would make a good couple, right?” he asked handing me my sock so I could clean myself off. I wiped off his off-spring avoiding eye contact. To be honest I had mixed emotions. On one hand it was kind of perfect because no one would ever have to know. It won’t happen again. No drama. No awkward moments. On the other hand….. who does he think he is? I did the only thing I could think to do and kept drinking until I passed out at 6pm.

The next morning shorty after setting sail on a charter boat for a fishing trip with my roommates… and just as the sea sickness began to kick in I was informed my secret had been leaked. The regret, the sea, the jokes, the Mango Mimosas, the smelly fish… it was all too much. I spent the three hour trip throwing up into a bucket.

On land after a blunt, a beer and a Big Mac later things appeared to be looking up. That was until he walked in with his new girlfriend. I could sense the eyes on me looking for a reaction. I watched her kiss his lips knowing all too well where they were not even 24 hours ago. I didn’t realize “about to” meant that night. All the sudden I was back on the boat. I went to the bathroom and threw up again.

DELETE ALL DRUNK SEXTS AND PRETEND THEY NEVER HAPPENED

by ThePeopleISleptWith

What started as a casual conversation took a sharp turn around 11:00pm. I promised myself I wouldn’t go down this road again but had quite a way with words…. that is if you consider “I’ll make sure you cum,” a way with words. With every Pickleback shot I took I sent an increasingly suggestive text. I went to bed giddy but woke up full of regret. What my drunk brain perceived as charming in the light of day was quite the opposite. The angle of his dick pics were questionable and the “You love my penis,” text was neither endearing nor true. Thanks to me his head grew 3 sizes that day. I had no choice but to delete all the drunk sexts and pretend they never happened.

SEX, DRUGS, THEN PLEASE LEAVE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

“Want to see my Beat Laboratory?”

…You had me at the Step Brothers reference. I followed you in giving you my usual rant about not being a relationship person – See it’s best to sabotage any chance for feelings ASAP. This way you’ll never even have to know if they liked you enough to date you. It’s all about creating the illusion that you’re control while you spend your nights drinking alone.

Maybe it was your Bob Dylan impression, LOST obsession, cute butt, the free weed or genuine love for Twisted Tea but we fucked on your unmade bed. Then again at my place. During the second time around you came in my mouth and I grabbed a glass of lemon water I had sitting on my nightstand. It wasn’t until I took a large gulp that I realized the lemon in the water had rotted. I was now drinking one of my infamous science experiments.

{ Lemon + Water + Leave for 2+ days } I swallowed.

After, you got dressed you told me you weren’t looking for anything serious. I paused. Just what you want to hear before you’ve fully digested someone’s cum. The taste still lingered in my mouth. You left. I got high on your weed and deleted your number.

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THE PERSON I THINK I SLEPT WITH

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My contacts were stuck to my eyes. I could feel his beer breath on the back of my neck. I had underwear and a wife beater on… but no bra. His hands moved slowly from my waist to my ass… did I sleep with him? The night prior was a blur. It wasn’t until I saw the bottle of Jagermeister on the night stand, next to the White Castle bag, that I realized.. I probably did. He sat up, afraid I hid most of my face underneath the covers, as if that could magically make him go away. I felt a warm kiss on my forehead then he left the room. I should of asked him what happened but I’m not sure I wanted to know. I got dressed quickly and walked out of his room. Disheveled and disoriented I walked right into the living room where four of his friends were hanging out. After 10 of the most awkward seconds of my life he followed me to the door. ” I had fun,” he said but before he could lean in for a kiss I gave him a high-five. I guess I’ll never know.

OUT COLD

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was clear that he was beyond hammered when I picked him up from his co-workers party. We had been hanging out for a few weeks and this was the first time I saw him drunk. He could barely communicate with me, but insisted on making out with my tits at every red light.. whether there was a car next to us or not.  I had planned to sleep at his house but when we got there he was out cold. It was the first time I saw this overly confident/cocky guy completely helpless. I put his arm around my neck and attempted to escort him into his house, but he was all dead weight. I tried slapping him, blasting music, twisting his nipples.. nothing worked. There was no way I alone could get him out of my car, let alone into his house. After 30 minutes of trying to wake him up I gave up. I wanted to sleep. I drove back to my house and since there was no way I was even going to attempt to bring him inside for my parents to see I left him in my car…. with the window open. I assumed he would wake up confused so I left a note on his chest with a White Castle receipt. Image