The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: car sex

8 REASONS I SHOULDN’T OF SLEPT WITH HIM

by ThePeopleISleptWith

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1) He tipped in change. 50 cents to be exact.

2) He said “he already” ate when I mentioned being hungry.

3) He suggested a threesome with a friend I saw at the bar… four times.

4) When the bartender handed me the wrong drink he said, ” She’ll just drink that.”

5) He only complimented my butt.

6) He ordered the exact amount of beers that I said would get me drunk.

7) He wore the wrong size condom.

8) He asked me if I came. If you have to ask the answer is no.

—-> Instagram

“IT DOESN’T FIT”

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I kneeled on all fours as he ~made love~ to me like an animal. This would have been fine if wasn’t using the jack-hammering technique, often used by first timers or high-school boyfriends. We were parked behind abandoned car dealership in the light of the day..  it could not have been more classy. As we drove away he looked at me. “It doesn’t fit.” I had no idea what he was talking about. “When I fuck you from behind it doesn’t fit, I can tell, you were fidgeting,” he said proud of his allegedly massive penis. I explained that it was fine. “It was just to fast, it didn’t feel good.” He refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside me from behind.

It wasn’t the size… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.

THE HEAD PUSH GAME

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Our relationship was over, not technically, but we both knew it was only a matter of time. We tried our best to hide our pain during a natural friends graduation party, but with every Twisted Tea I grew more annoyed by his existence. It just got to the point where every single thing he did or said drove me insane. I was mad at him for breathing, yes breathing.. as if he could somehow stop. The way he lifted his pants up made me feel like he was stabbing me with a knife. His laugh sent chills up my spine and his jokes were not longer funny. Unfortunately alcohol had the opposite effect on him. Tripping over his feet and slurring his speech he begged me to go to his car to “talk.” I sat there looking down awkwardly, as I explained to him how I felt. He placed his hand on the top of my head and slightly rubbed my scalp, consoling me, but all I could think was YOU’RE MESSING UP MY HAIR. After a few second he lightly pushed my head down towards his lap, confused I looked up at him. He did it again, but this time with force. We sat there for five minutes playing the head push game. ((The Head Push Game: When a man continues to push a woman’s head towards his crotch, trying to get her to suck his dick, while the woman lifts her head, clearly denying his request.))  I couldn’t take it anymore so I left the car and broke up with him over the phone.

GAME OVER

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I went down on him while he sat in the front seat of his car. I could hear the voices of our friends playing beer-pong and the music from the party we ditched. The voices grew closer as his moans grew more intense.  Don’t gag, don’t gag… I prayed as I gave it my all. I must have been too distracted by his ball sweat.. wondering if he even showered that day to notice our friends were approaching the car. Without warning he pushed my head down, all the way, holding me there so they couldn’t could see. GAME OVER, I lifted my head up and jumped back. I put my clothes on, silently, avoiding eye contact as I waited for my friends to continue walking down the street. I left the car, glancing back at him giving him to chance to apologize then slammed the door.

SUBMITTED POST

STOP INTERRUPTING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Unfortunately there are limited comfortable ways to have sex in a small car. You can sit on top of him, if you want to hit your head on the ceiling. You can do it missionary, if you want to slam your head on the side door… The obvious fog, leather seats and risk of getting caught doesn’t exactly help.

I try to avoid car sex but there are limited options when your drunk and stranded. The seat belt was making an indent on my lower back and I felt a bump forming on my head. I had to say , “Let’s switch positions.” “Stop interrupting,” he said. I didn’t think I was interrupting.. I thought I was communicating. Eventually we were actually interrupted by my friend beeping his car horn next to us. I sat up quickly, exposing my chest to five male teenagers standing next to my car. The bump on my head was no longer the problem.


OUT COLD

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was clear that he was beyond hammered when I picked him up from his co-workers party. We had been hanging out for a few weeks and this was the first time I saw him drunk. He could barely communicate with me, but insisted on making out with my tits at every red light.. whether there was a car next to us or not.  I had planned to sleep at his house but when we got there he was out cold. It was the first time I saw this overly confident/cocky guy completely helpless. I put his arm around my neck and attempted to escort him into his house, but he was all dead weight. I tried slapping him, blasting music, twisting his nipples.. nothing worked. There was no way I alone could get him out of my car, let alone into his house. After 30 minutes of trying to wake him up I gave up. I wanted to sleep. I drove back to my house and since there was no way I was even going to attempt to bring him inside for my parents to see I left him in my car…. with the window open. I assumed he would wake up confused so I left a note on his chest with a White Castle receipt. Image

LOOSING MY VIRTUE AND MY BEST FRIENDS SWEATER.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I had one “long term” relationship. He was my first real boyfriend. Our sex life had a rocky start, basically because I knew I had to do it or I would send him right back between the legs of the snobby ex. We were seventeen and the only place we could be alone was my car, a 2005 Jeep Grand Cherokee. It just HAD to happen that night because my best friend planned to loose her virginity that night too. Just when I thought it couldn’t be less romantic he suggested I park behind the BOB’s Clothing Store in our shitty suburban town on Long Island. I had done my research ( googling how bad it was going to hurt ) and wore the sexiest pink lace underwear I could find at the mall. I didn’t want to stain my light-grey back seats with blood so I grabbed a sweat shirt that I found in my trunk. He took no time ripping off my clothes and putting on the mint condom I took from my friends house. I read the least painful way to loose your virginity was to be on top and in total control. After 10 minutes of explaining that to him, how much this meant to me and asking him to be gentle.. it was time. As I hovered over him he grabbed my waist and sat me down abruptly…. yes full force… virginity gone and OUCH. Although I tried, it’s safe to say I did not hide the pain. After a few pumps, I needed a break. I don’t know if it was the pain or anger… but I was no longer in the mood for sex. He laid down.. the best he could.. reminder we were in the back of a jeep.. and started kissing me. Just as the make out session heated up he came…. no he was not inside of me. Without a word he put his clothes back on and left the car to smoke a cigarette. As I put my clothes back on I noticed the sweater I grabbed wasn’t mine, it was my best friend Katie’s. I clearly had no choice but to throw it out the window. Not only did I not enjoy my first time, but I didn’t enjoy the 39387648 times that followed in our long term relationship… that interestingly enough revolved around having sex twice a day.