The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: car sex

8 REASONS I SHOULDN’T HAVE SLEPT WITH HIM

by ThePeopleISleptWith

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1) He tipped in change. 50 cents to be exact.

2) He said “he already ate” when I mentioned being hungry.

3) He suggested a threesome with a friend I saw at the bar… four times.

4) When the bartender handed me the wrong drink he said, ” She’ll just drink that.”

5) He only complimented my butt.

6) He ordered the exact amount of beers that I said would get me drunk.

7) He wore the wrong size condom.

8) He asked me if I came. If you have to ask the answer is no.

—-> Instagram

The Fishbowl Effect

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We hooked up one afternoon after a bottle of Mango Mimosas. He was my roommate’s friend and I was convinced I had Vaginal Depression thanks to a Womens Health article. Our afternoon bone-sesh lasted a total of two minutes and cost me a fair amount of dignity and there really wasn’t much there to begin with.

“I’m about to get into a serious relationship, but if I weren’t we would make a good couple, right?” he asked handing me my sock so I could clean myself off. I wiped off his off-spring avoiding eye contact. To be honest I had mixed emotions. On one hand it was kind of perfect because no one would ever have to know. It won’t happen again. No drama. No awkward moments. On the other hand….. who does he think he is? I did the only thing I could think to do and kept drinking until I passed out at 6pm.

The next morning shorty after setting sail on a charter boat for a fishing trip with my roommates… and just as the sea sickness began to kick in I was informed my secret had been leaked. The regret, the sea, the jokes, the Mango Mimosas, the smelly fish… it was all too much. I spent the three hour trip throwing up into a bucket.

On land after a blunt, a beer and a Big Mac later things appeared to be looking up. That was until he walked in with his new girlfriend. I could sense the eyes on me looking for a reaction. I watched her kiss his lips knowing all too well where they were not even 24 hours ago. I didn’t realize “about to” meant that night. All the sudden I was back on the boat. I went to the bathroom and threw up again.

“IT DOESN’T FIT”

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I kneeled on all fours as he “made love” to me in the back of my Jeep parked next to a dumpster. This would have been fine if wasn’t using the jack-hammering technique, often used by first timers or high-school boyfriends.

“It doesn’t fit,” he said simultaneously lighting a cigarette and a joint. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“From behind it doesn’t fit, I can tell, you were fidgeting, a lot” he said proud of his allegedly massive penis. I explained that it was fine. “It was just to fast, it didn’t feel good.” He refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside me from behind.

It wasn’t the size… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.

GAME OVER

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I went down on him while he sat in the front seat of his car. I could hear the voices of our friends playing beer-pong and the music from the party we ditched. The voices grew closer as his moans grew more intense.  Don’t gag, don’t gag… I prayed as I gave it my all. I must have been too distracted by his ball sweat.. wondering if he even showered that day to notice our friends were approaching the car. Without warning he pushed my head down, all the way, holding me there so they couldn’t could see. GAME OVER, I lifted my head up and jumped back. I put my clothes on, silently, avoiding eye contact as I waited for my friends to continue walking down the street. I left the car, glancing back at him giving him to chance to apologize then slammed the door.

SUBMITTED POST

OUT COLD

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was clear that he was beyond hammered when I picked him up from his co-workers party. We had been hanging out for a few weeks and this was the first time I saw him drunk. He could barely communicate with me, but insisted on making out with my tits at every red light.. whether there was a car next to us or not.  I had planned to sleep at his house but when we got there he was out cold. It was the first time I saw this overly confident/cocky guy completely helpless. I put his arm around my neck and attempted to escort him into his house, but he was all dead weight. I tried slapping him, blasting music, twisting his nipples.. nothing worked. There was no way I alone could get him out of my car, let alone into his house. After 30 minutes of trying to wake him up I gave up. I wanted to sleep. I drove back to my house and since there was no way I was even going to attempt to bring him inside for my parents to see I left him in my car…. with the window open. I assumed he would wake up confused so I left a note on his chest with a White Castle receipt. Image

LOOSING MY VIRTUE AND MY BEST FRIENDS SWEATER.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I had one “long term” relationship. He was my first real boyfriend. Our sex life had a rocky start, basically because I knew I had to do it or I would send him right back between the legs of the snobby ex. We were seventeen and the only place we could be alone was my car, a 2005 Jeep Grand Cherokee. It just HAD to happen that night because my best friend planned to loose her virginity that night too. Just when I thought it couldn’t be less romantic he suggested I park behind the BOB’s Clothing Store in our shitty suburban town on Long Island. I had done my research ( googling how bad it was going to hurt ) and wore the sexiest pink lace underwear I could find at the mall. I didn’t want to stain my light-grey back seats with blood so I grabbed a sweat shirt that I found in my trunk. He took no time ripping off my clothes and putting on the mint condom I took from my friends house. I read the least painful way to loose your virginity was to be on top and in total control. After 10 minutes of explaining that to him, how much this meant to me and asking him to be gentle.. it was time. As I hovered over him he grabbed my waist and sat me down abruptly…. yes full force… virginity gone and OUCH. Although I tried, it’s safe to say I did not hide the pain. After a few pumps, I needed a break. I don’t know if it was the pain or anger… but I was no longer in the mood for sex. He laid down.. the best he could.. reminder we were in the back of a jeep.. and started kissing me. Just as the make out session heated up he came…. no he was not inside of me. Without a word he put his clothes back on and left the car to smoke a cigarette. As I put my clothes back on I noticed the sweater I grabbed wasn’t mine, it was my best friend Katie’s. I clearly had no choice but to throw it out the window. Not only did I not enjoy my first time, but I didn’t enjoy the 39387648 times that followed in our long term relationship… that interestingly enough revolved around having sex twice a day.