The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: adult humor

THE PERSON I THINK I SLEPT WITH

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My contacts were stuck to my eyes. I could feel his beer breath on the back of my neck. I had underwear and a wife beater on… but no bra. His hands moved slowly from my waist to my ass… did I sleep with him? The night prior was a blur. It wasn’t until I saw the bottle of Jagermeister on the night stand, next to the White Castle bag, that I realized.. I probably did. He sat up, afraid I hid most of my face underneath the covers, as if that could magically make him go away. I felt a warm kiss on my forehead then he left the room. I should of asked him what happened but I’m not sure I wanted to know. I got dressed quickly and walked out of his room. Disheveled and disoriented I walked right into the living room where four of his friends were hanging out. After 10 of the most awkward seconds of my life he followed me to the door. ” I had fun,” he said but before he could lean in for a kiss I gave him a high-five. I guess I’ll never know.

INTERNET STALKING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I’m over him, no longer interested.. and I’m not just saying that to convince myself. It’s been a while I’ve had new dick but I NEED to know what his new girlfriend looks like. I’m not proud of this but it’s not like I’m driving past his house (only once) or calling him then hanging up (twice), it’s just an innocent click away. We all have done it. You click on her page because what else do you have to do? I KNOW – Why would you waste time and energy unless you’re threatened by it? Maybe because it’s just that easy. PROBLEM: Her Facebook page is private and the only thing I can see is 4 profile pictures.

PICTURE 1: The “I love my friends” group picture of 6 girls. No one really stands out.

PICTURE 2: The “Bestie” with 2 out of the 6 girls. Okay narrowed it down it down to 2.

PICTURE 3: The “Weird abstract angle with dim lighting.” Her long curly black hair not only covers most of her face but doesn’t match the hair of either 2 girls. DAMN IT.

PICTURE 4: An inspirational meme. USELESS.

After a few minutes of studying the few facial features I could see in picture 3 and searching twitter and Instagram, I gave up. Maybe it was for the best, I could of easily accidentally liked a picture or favorited a tweet.

GAME OVER

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I went down on him while he sat in the front seat of his car. I could hear the voices of our friends playing beer-pong and the music from the party we ditched. The voices grew closer as his moans grew more intense.  Don’t gag, don’t gag… I prayed as I gave it my all. I must have been too distracted by his ball sweat.. wondering if he even showered that day to notice our friends were approaching the car. Without warning he pushed my head down, all the way, holding me there so they couldn’t could see. GAME OVER, I lifted my head up and jumped back. I put my clothes on, silently, avoiding eye contact as I waited for my friends to continue walking down the street. I left the car, glancing back at him giving him to chance to apologize then slammed the door.

SUBMITTED POST

KEGEL EXERCISE

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Over a year ago I decided that 23 was an appropriate age to become a cougar.. I mean I was just getting a head start.  The first time I met him he caught my attention. I proceeded to flirt with him the only way I knew how, as well as my most successful way.. basically shouting “HE’S CUTE.” It wasn’t long before my friends warned me that acting on this crush would land me in jail…. he was 17.  I ran into him a year later and he asked me to hang out. For the first time I was glad I look like a High School senior. We grabbed some forties of Old English.. should have been my first sign… and went to a party. His confidence was a turn on. As soon as we were alone he ripped my clothes off and immediately attempted to insert himself inside of me. I was shocked when I felt absolutely nothing. Well my vagina is too big!  WHO DID THIS TO ME!? I started doing Kegel exercises as he hovered above me. Squeezing and letting go, over and over. I felt horrible…. until I looked down. He wasn’t even inside me. He continued moaning while poking me with his flaccid penis.  Relieved but turned off, I told him it wasn’t working.. to which he replied, ” Give me head then, I want to nut.” NUT!? I turned around and put my clothes on.

You can catch me doing Kegel’s every morning while I blow dry my hair… just incase.

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STICKY SEX

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Hot and sweaty sex is good but I don’t want to walk four blocks home looking like I just swam in the world’s most disgusting pool. Thanks to the lack of air conditioning and extremely intense sex I was drenched. As he hovered above me actual drops of sweat fell onto me.  A few minutes later as our sticky bodies rubbed together they made a “fart-like” sound. I started to laugh and he stopped abruptly. He looked me dead in the eyes and yelled “never, EVER laugh while having sex with me.” He yelled at me while he was still inside me.. SORRY but fart-like sounds are funny. He continued to hump me very aggressively, sweat dripping off his chin, with a look on his face like he hated me. I felt bad that I unintentionally hurt his ego until a droplet fell into my mouth.

PERIOD PANTIES

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I knew he would be at my friends party and unfortunately I knew I wouldn’t be able to control myself around him. BUT I had a plan, I didn’t shave my legs and purposely wore period panties.. that way no matter what he said or how I felt I wouldn’t hook up with him. Four margaritas later I regretted that decision. I should of known there was no possible way to avoid forgiving him the second he looked into my eyes. I have to admire him for it, it’s a talent. I searched my friends bathroom for a razor and stupidly dry shaved my legs as fast as I could. One problem solved but I was still wearing period panties. I went back to his house anyway. As he kissed me all I could think about was how embarrassed I was going to be when he saw what was underneath BUT he ripped my clothes off too fast to notice, RELIEF. We finished and he went to the bathroom. I got dressed quickly but couldn’t find my underwear. His room was a mess, stuff all over the floor. I quickly put my leggings on. He kissed me romantically as my eyes continued to search the room. Just when I was about to give up and never speak to him again I found them by the door. I quickly shoved them into my purse. The moment I arrived home I threw them in the trash.