The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRU

Tag: adult humor

DELETE ALL DRUNK SEXTS AND PRETEND THEY NEVER HAPPENED

by ThePeopleISleptWith

After a few drinks our casual conversation took a sharp turn. I promised myself I would never go back down that road, but he had quite a way with words…. that is if you consider “I’ll make sure you cum,” a way with words. He officially caught my attention. With every  Pickleback shot I took I sent an increasingly suggestive text. I went to bed giddy but woke up full of regret. What my drunk brain perceived as charming in the light of day was clearly cocky. “You love my penis,” – neither endearing nor true. Thanks to me his head grew 3 sizes that day. I had no choice but to delete all the drunk sexts and pretend they never happened.

drunk sext

THE PERSON I’M GLAD I DIDN’T SLEEP WITH

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We were celebrating the end of mid-terms at a bar close to school.  We spent the entire night isolated in the corner talking about our goals while our classmates mingled. He rested his hand on my leg as he gazed into my eyes, making me feel like I was the only person in the room. He invited me back to his apartment to watch Django Unchained .. although I had a feeling that wasn’t the real plan. We sat on his couch in silence until I made a comment about Jamie Foxx’s amazing penis. “Ha, what about this?” He said as he took my hand and placed it on his dick. The ball was in my court but WHAT WAS I SUPPOSE TO DO? I wanted him since the first day of class but certainly not like this. When I touch a penis I prefer for it it to be my decision. In a state of shock I starred forward avoiding eye contact. I guess I thought maybe if I ignored it we could pretend it never happened. After a very uncomfortable 30 seconds I moved my hand and stood up. I told him I needed to go home and he hugged me goodbye. Sadly, the cute boy from class is now the boy I’m glad I didn’t sleep with.

INTERNET STALKING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I’m over him, no longer interested, it’s been a while since we last hooked up but… after a recent sex dream I NEED to know what his new girlfriend looks like. I’m not proud of this but it’s not like I’m driving past his house or calling him then hanging up.. it’s just an innocent click away. We all have done it. You click on her page because what else do you have to do? I KNOW – Why would you waste time and energy unless you’re threatened by it? Maybe because it’s just that easy. PROBLEM: Her Facebook page is private and the only thing I can see is 4 profile pictures.

PICTURE 1: The “I love my friends” group picture of 6 girls. No one really stands out.

PICTURE 2: The “Bestie” with 2 out of the 6 girls. Okay narrowed it down it down to 2.

PICTURE 3: The “Weird abstract angle with dim lighting.” Her long curly black hair not only covers most of her face but doesn’t match the hair of either 2 girls. DAMN IT.

PICTURE 4: An inspirational meme. USELESS.

After a few minutes of studying the few facial features I could see in picture 3 and searching twitter and Instagram, I gave up. Maybe it was for the best, I could of easily accidentally liked a picture or favorited a tweet.

interent stalking

MEDIOCRE

by ThePeopleISleptWith

For us bickering was foreplay. Was it our sarcastic nature, desire to disagree, or did we actually just hate each-other? Regardless, we certainly liked having sex.  If you over heard or read our conversations you would think we were both conceited assholes. I never called him “Babe” just “Idiot” or  “Jerk.” No conversation ever started with “Hey,” they started with ” F U,” or “Shut up.”  Instead of simply saying what he wanted he argued that I wanted it more, even when he started the conversation..  I guess he must of had the ability to read my mind. I can’t explain why but I liked being told what I wanted…. strictly in the bedroom that is. Although we constantly insulted and made fun of each-other… the sex was certainly no joke.

The antagonizing even continued the second it was over. He would always ask me how it was and regardless of how good it was I would respond “eh mediocre.”

sex