The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Tag: adult comedy

SEX, DRUGS, THEN PLEASE LEAVE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

“Want to see my Beat Laboratory?”

…You had me at the Step Brothers reference. I followed you in giving you my usual rant about not being a relationship person – See it’s best to sabotage any chance for feelings ASAP. This way you’ll never even have to know if they liked you enough to date you. It’s all about creating the illusion that you’re control while you spend your nights drinking alone.

Maybe it was your Bob Dylan impression, LOST obsession, cute butt, the free weed or genuine love for Twisted Tea but we fucked on your unmade bed. Then again at my place. During the second time around you came in my mouth and I grabbed a glass of lemon water I had sitting on my nightstand. It wasn’t until I took a large gulp that I realized the lemon in the water had rotted. I was now drinking one of my infamous science experiments.

{ Lemon + Water + Leave for 2+ days } I swallowed.

After, you got dressed you told me you weren’t looking for anything serious. I paused. Just what you want to hear before you’ve fully digested someone’s cum. The taste still lingered in my mouth. You left. I for high on your weed and deleted your number.

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THE TWISTED TEA DIARY

by ThePeopleISleptWith

While I fully intended to hook up with his friend thanks to Three Twisted Tea tall cans I ended up in the wrong bed. “Want to get dinner Monday?” He asked, removing my shirt. I didn’t know how to tell him that while I was totally fine making out with him topless I wasn’t about to eat food alone with him.. even if it’s free. “Maybe…” I smiled, removing my bra. Like a gentlemen he began continued fondling my breasts.

The next day, after my thee hour nap I woke up to 10 texts messages. All from him. I took it as sign of mental instability and ignored them. Every day for the next week I received at least one text message, until New Years Eve. When he texted me to tell me “It’s over, I heard you have a sex blog. Glad I decided to drop it after New Years Eve. PEACE.”

DELETE ALL DRUNK SEXTS AND PRETEND THEY NEVER HAPPENED

by ThePeopleISleptWith

After a few drinks my casual conversation with hot acquaintance took a sharp turn. I promised myself I would never go back down that road so quick, but he had quite a way with words…. that is if you consider “I’ll make sure you cum,” a way with words. With every Pickleback shot I took I sent an increasingly suggestive text. I went to bed giddy but woke up full of regret. What my drunk brain perceived as charming in the light of day was quite the opposite. The angle of his dick pics were questionable. And the “You love my penis,” text was neither endearing nor true. I didn’t even know it. Thanks to me his head grew 3 sizes that day. I had no choice but to delete all the drunk sexts and pretend they never happened.

WINNING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We had been together for 4 months and for the first time in our relationship the sex lasted longer than two minutes. Although I was pleasantly surprised he was quite obviously annoyed. Sweat dripped off his forehead as he aggressively stabbed my insides with his penis. Not too long after he finished, looked at me and “I win.” ARE YOU ACTUALLY PROUD THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO MAKE ME ORGASM? The first person to reach an orgasm doesn’t “win.” I don’t know if he was a moron or an asshole BUT I dated him for months and I lost every single time.

ACCIDENTAL PENETRATION

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We were doing it “doggy style,” as I laid on my belly, when he slipped and accidentally inserted himself inside… my back door. Now that was the first time that ever happened and the pain I felt cannot be described. I understand that given the right person/circumstance it could… maybe be enjoyable… but with no warning and no lube NO THANK YOU. I jumped up and ran out of the room. After composing myself and whipping away the tears, that I could not control, I walked back into his room. He sat up on the bed, naked, eating chicken fingers and said “MY BAD…” , without a shred of guilt or concern… an image that is forever ingrained in my brain. Still in a massive amount of pain I got dressed and sat back down. As I tried to compose myself for some reason he decided that it was an appropriate time to bring up the possibility of anal sex.. on purpose. If it were not for his family being downstairs I would have screamed. I could not even comprehend the idea while still in so much anguish. I didn’t bother to reply, so we sat their quietly as he finished his chicken fingers… that he didn’t even offer to me.

GAME OVER

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I went down on him while he sat in the front seat of his car. I could hear the voices of our friends playing beer-pong and the music from the party we ditched. The voices grew closer as his moans grew more intense.  Don’t gag, don’t gag… I prayed as I gave it my all. I must have been too distracted by his ball sweat.. wondering if he even showered that day to notice our friends were approaching the car. Without warning he pushed my head down, all the way, holding me there so they couldn’t could see. GAME OVER, I lifted my head up and jumped back. I put my clothes on, silently, avoiding eye contact as I waited for my friends to continue walking down the street. I left the car, glancing back at him giving him to chance to apologize then slammed the door.

SUBMITTED POST

OUT COLD

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was clear that he was beyond hammered when I picked him up from his co-workers party. We had been hanging out for a few weeks and this was the first time I saw him drunk. He could barely communicate with me, but insisted on making out with my tits at every red light.. whether there was a car next to us or not.  I had planned to sleep at his house but when we got there he was out cold. It was the first time I saw this overly confident/cocky guy completely helpless. I put his arm around my neck and attempted to escort him into his house, but he was all dead weight. I tried slapping him, blasting music, twisting his nipples.. nothing worked. There was no way I alone could get him out of my car, let alone into his house. After 30 minutes of trying to wake him up I gave up. I wanted to sleep. I drove back to my house and since there was no way I was even going to attempt to bring him inside for my parents to see I left him in my car…. with the window open. I assumed he would wake up confused so I left a note on his chest with a White Castle receipt. Image

DID IT GROW OVERNIGHT?

by ThePeopleISleptWith

On my way to his house I picked up a pack of standard Trojan condoms. When I handed him the pack to him he tossed them aside. He insisted that they wouldn’t fit. “You should of bought Magnum condoms,” he said. We had been involved for several months and not only was I very familiar with his penis.. we always used regular sized condoms. WHAT DID IT GROW OVERNIGHT? I bit my tongue and let him go on about how the regular size was “too tight.” There was absolutely no need for Magnum condoms but the next day I bought some. The second he put it on I knew it was too big, although he pretended it fit like a glove. Of course it fell off during sex.

LESSON LEARNED: Condom’s are suppose to be tight… not only do you want to avoid spending 15 minutes searching for it inside of you.. you want to make sure it protects you from diseases or BABIES.. So until a man wants to father a child or dig around inside his girl, he should wear an appropriate sized condom.