The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Category: TRAUMATIZING SEX

ALWAYS HAVE CAB MONEY

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Growing up in the Suburbs I am use to the “walk of shame” consisting of :
1) Strutting from his door to my car as quick as possible.
2) Driving home comfortably singing ballads in my car. Maybe even Taco-Bell.
3) Quietly sneaking into my house with sex hair avoiding my parents.

Thanks to my low income job and my asshole date I didn’t have the luxury of a car/cab during my first walk of shame in NYC. I immediately regretted the decision to spend the night when I woke up in a un-air conditioned room being cuddled to death. I fixed myself up the best I could. I walked out onto 66th and 5th with a my outfit from the previous night, messy hair, bad breath and smudged mascara. After wasting 10 minutes walking in the wrong direction I eventually found the subway. My train was delayed. I waited over a half hour, it really helped with the smell. When the train finally came as the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song played in my head I sat right next to my Professor. Whose class I had later that day. I tried to avoid eye contact but eventually he asked, “rough night?” Almost two hours after leaving I finally arrived home after receiving one last dirty look from my doorman.

LESSON LEARNED: ALWAYS HAVE CAB MONEY

ACCIDENTAL PENETRATION

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We were doing it “doggy style,” as I laid on my belly, when he slipped and accidentally inserted himself inside… my back door. Now that was the first time that ever happened and the pain I felt cannot be described. I understand that given the right person/circumstance it could… maybe be enjoyable… but with no warning and no lube NO THANK YOU. I jumped up and ran out of the room. After composing myself and whipping away the tears, that I could not control, I walked back into his room. He sat up on the bed, naked, eating chicken fingers and said “MY BAD…” , without a shred of guilt or concern… an image that is forever ingrained in my brain. Still in a massive amount of pain I got dressed and sat back down. As I tried to compose myself for some reason he decided that it was an appropriate time to bring up the possibility of anal sex.. on purpose. If it were not for his family being downstairs I would have screamed. I could not even comprehend the idea while still in so much anguish. I didn’t bother to reply, so we sat their quietly as he finished his chicken fingers… that he didn’t even offer to me.

THE HEAD PUSH GAME

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Our relationship was over, not technically, but we both knew it was only a matter of time. We tried our best to hide our pain during a natural friends graduation party, but with every Twisted Tea I grew more annoyed by his existence. It just got to the point where every single thing he did or said drove me insane. I was mad at him for breathing, yes breathing.. as if he could somehow stop. The way he lifted his pants up made me feel like he was stabbing me with a knife. His laugh sent chills up my spine and his jokes were not longer funny. Unfortunately alcohol had the opposite effect on him. Tripping over his feet and slurring his speech he begged me to go to his car to “talk.” I sat there looking down awkwardly, as I explained to him how I felt. He placed his hand on the top of my head and slightly rubbed my scalp, consoling me, but all I could think was YOU’RE MESSING UP MY HAIR. After a few second he lightly pushed my head down towards his lap, confused I looked up at him. He did it again, but this time with force. We sat there for five minutes playing the head push game. ((The Head Push Game: When a man continues to push a woman’s head towards his crotch, trying to get her to suck his dick, while the woman lifts her head, clearly denying his request.))  I couldn’t take it anymore so I left the car and broke up with him over the phone.

GAME OVER

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I went down on him while he sat in the front seat of his car. I could hear the voices of our friends playing beer-pong and the music from the party we ditched. The voices grew closer as his moans grew more intense.  Don’t gag, don’t gag… I prayed as I gave it my all. I must have been too distracted by his ball sweat.. wondering if he even showered that day to notice our friends were approaching the car. Without warning he pushed my head down, all the way, holding me there so they couldn’t could see. GAME OVER, I lifted my head up and jumped back. I put my clothes on, silently, avoiding eye contact as I waited for my friends to continue walking down the street. I left the car, glancing back at him giving him to chance to apologize then slammed the door.

SUBMITTED POST

90 SECONDS OF TORTURE

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We broke up years ago but like clockwork every few months he would contact me, eventually I relapsed. I have this theory that as my ex he has some sixth sense that tells him when I am vulnerable. I didn’t give in quickly but after a while I agreed to go to his house for breakfast.. Given our ridiculous history I should have known what he meant by “breakfast.” I sat at his kitchen table as poured me a bowl of cereal… with no milk. Then he went upstairs to shower. As I sat on his bed playing Xbox hundreds of horrid memories resurfaced. He came back into his room with just a towel on… to be honest I was not surprised. He walked over to me and dropped his towel, dangling his penis in front of my face. Thus began one of my most horrifying sexual experiences. Maybe back when we dated I was just too young or unexperienced to notice that he was so selfish in bed. I felt like I was being attacked or punished. After the 90 seconds of torture I left with no intentions of ever speaking to him again.

 

KEGEL EXERCISE

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Over a year ago I decided that 23 was an appropriate age to become a cougar.. I mean I was just getting a head start.  The first time I met him he caught my attention. I proceeded to flirt with him the only way I knew how, as well as my most successful way.. basically shouting “HE’S CUTE.” It wasn’t long before my friends warned me that acting on this crush would land me in jail…. he was 17.  I ran into him a year later and he asked me to hang out. For the first time I was glad I look like a High School senior. We grabbed some forties of Old English.. should have been my first sign… and went to a party. His confidence was a turn on. As soon as we were alone he ripped my clothes off and immediately attempted to insert himself inside of me. I was shocked when I felt absolutely nothing. Well my vagina is too big!  WHO DID THIS TO ME!? I started doing Kegel exercises as he hovered above me. Squeezing and letting go, over and over. I felt horrible…. until I looked down. He wasn’t even inside me. He continued moaning while poking me with his flaccid penis.  Relieved but turned off, I told him it wasn’t working.. to which he replied, ” Give me head then, I want to nut.” NUT!? I turned around and put my clothes on.

You can catch me doing Kegel’s every morning while I blow dry my hair… just incase.

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A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

by ThePeopleISleptWith

After 8 months of traditional, vanilla sex I spoke to my boyfriend about spicing up our sex life, shortly after we moved to the bedroom. After a few minutes of missionary he forced me into “doggy style.”  He then put his hand on the back of my head and shoved my face into my pillow. I could barely turn my head to the side to breath. By “spicy” I meant dirty talk, butt slaps, maybe some hair pulling.. NOT suffocation. I gasped for air as he humped me aggressively. Was this some kind of punishment for calling our sex life vanilla? It’s really hard to orgasm when you see your life flashing before your eyes.

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