The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Category: TRAUMATIZING SEX

SWEAT, TEARS AND VOMIT

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was Thanksgiving Eve I was on my fifth game of beer pong when a boy I had been having casual sex with over the summer walked through the door. Our “relationship” fizzled out when he left for college and after four unanswered texts I had given up on him and clearly my dignity. I had planned to leave the party and met up with some dude who sent me a series of unsolicited but impressive dick pictures the night prior. But there is was… hand full of whisky, belly full of pills, looking real good. He looked directly at me and I knew that moment I wasn’t going anywhere besides his car in the parking lot.

Two shots of Vodka later we were outside alone. He didn’t say anything. He just kissed me. And before I knew it we were ripping off each-others clothes in the back of his Jetta with our friends smoking cigarettes barely six feat away.

I began going down on him when i heard his stomach rumble. He started to dry heave, opened the car door -turning on the interior lights and threw up. Half on the street, half on the car. Our friends stared blankly with a perfect view of our naked bodies. I wanted to comfort him but not as much as I wanted to hide. He was sitting on top my clothing crying so I tried rubbing his shoulder to console him as I yanked my clothing out from underneath him and ran inside.

“He has a girlfriend at college. Did you know that?” A friend asked as he passed me a joint only moments after my run of shame. I took a hit but on the inside I was screaming. I exhaled.

“No, I obviously I did not know that.” I zoned out, starring at the Christmas lights prematurely hung on the wall. He texted me that he made it home safe and planned to “make it up,” to me… I planned to punch him in the face.

ALWAYS HAVE CAB MONEY

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Growing up in the Suburbs I am use to the “walk of shame” consisting of :
1) Strutting from his door to my car as quick as possible.
2) Driving home comfortably singing ballads in my car. Maybe even Taco-Bell.
3) Quietly sneaking into my house with sex hair avoiding my parents.

Thanks to my low income job and my asshole date I didn’t have the luxury of a car/cab during my first walk of shame in NYC. I immediately regretted the decision to spend the night when I woke up in a un-air conditioned room being cuddled to death. I fixed myself up the best I could. I walked out onto 66th and 5th with a my outfit from the previous night, messy hair, bad breath and smudged mascara. After wasting 10 minutes walking in the wrong direction I eventually found the subway. My train was delayed. I waited over a half hour, it really helped with the smell. When the train finally came as the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song played in my head I sat right next to my Professor. Whose class I had later that day. I tried to avoid eye contact but eventually he asked, “rough night?” Almost two hours after leaving I finally arrived home after receiving one last dirty look from my doorman.

LESSON LEARNED: ALWAYS HAVE CAB MONEY

GAME OVER

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I went down on him while he sat in the front seat of his car. I could hear the voices of our friends playing beer-pong and the music from the party we ditched. The voices grew closer as his moans grew more intense.  Don’t gag, don’t gag… I prayed as I gave it my all. I must have been too distracted by his ball sweat.. wondering if he even showered that day to notice our friends were approaching the car. Without warning he pushed my head down, all the way, holding me there so they couldn’t could see. GAME OVER, I lifted my head up and jumped back. I put my clothes on, silently, avoiding eye contact as I waited for my friends to continue walking down the street. I left the car, glancing back at him giving him to chance to apologize then slammed the door.

SUBMITTED POST

A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

by ThePeopleISleptWith

After 8 months of traditional, vanilla sex I spoke to my boyfriend about spicing up our sex life, shortly after we moved to the bedroom. After a few minutes of missionary he forced me into “doggy style.”  He then put his hand on the back of my head and shoved my face into my pillow. I could barely turn my head to the side to breath. By “spicy” I meant dirty talk, butt slaps, maybe some hair pulling.. NOT suffocation. I gasped for air as he humped me aggressively. Was this some kind of punishment for calling our sex life vanilla? It’s really hard to orgasm when you see your life flashing before your eyes.

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LOOSING MY VIRTUE AND MY BEST FRIENDS SWEATER.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I had one “long term” relationship. He was my first real boyfriend. Our sex life had a rocky start, basically because I knew I had to do it or I would send him right back between the legs of the snobby ex. We were seventeen and the only place we could be alone was my car, a 2005 Jeep Grand Cherokee. It just HAD to happen that night because my best friend planned to loose her virginity that night too. Just when I thought it couldn’t be less romantic he suggested I park behind the BOB’s Clothing Store in our shitty suburban town on Long Island. I had done my research ( googling how bad it was going to hurt ) and wore the sexiest pink lace underwear I could find at the mall. I didn’t want to stain my light-grey back seats with blood so I grabbed a sweat shirt that I found in my trunk. He took no time ripping off my clothes and putting on the mint condom I took from my friends house. I read the least painful way to loose your virginity was to be on top and in total control. After 10 minutes of explaining that to him, how much this meant to me and asking him to be gentle.. it was time. As I hovered over him he grabbed my waist and sat me down abruptly…. yes full force… virginity gone and OUCH. Although I tried, it’s safe to say I did not hide the pain. After a few pumps, I needed a break. I don’t know if it was the pain or anger… but I was no longer in the mood for sex. He laid down.. the best he could.. reminder we were in the back of a jeep.. and started kissing me. Just as the make out session heated up he came…. no he was not inside of me. Without a word he put his clothes back on and left the car to smoke a cigarette. As I put my clothes back on I noticed the sweater I grabbed wasn’t mine, it was my best friend Katie’s. I clearly had no choice but to throw it out the window. Not only did I not enjoy my first time, but I didn’t enjoy the 39387648 times that followed in our long term relationship… that interestingly enough revolved around having sex twice a day.