The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

Category: QUESTIONABLE SEX

SWEAT, TEARS AND VOMIT

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was Thanksgiving Eve I was on my fifth game of beer pong when a boy I had been having casual sex with over the summer walked through the door. Our “relationship” fizzled out when he left for college and after four unanswered texts I had given up on him and clearly my dignity. I had planned to leave the party and met up with some dude who sent me a series of unsolicited but impressive dick pictures the night prior. But there is was… hand full of whisky, belly full of pills, looking real good. He looked directly at me and I knew that moment I wasn’t going anywhere besides his car in the parking lot.

Two shots of Vodka later we were outside alone. He didn’t say anything. He just kissed me. And before I knew it we were ripping off each-others clothes in the back of his Jetta with our friends smoking cigarettes barely six feat away.

I began going down on him when i heard his stomach rumble. He started to dry heave, opened the car door -turning on the interior lights and threw up. Half on the street, half on the car. Our friends stared blankly with a perfect view of our naked bodies. I wanted to comfort him but not as much as I wanted to hide. He was sitting on top my clothing crying so I tried rubbing his shoulder to console him as I yanked my clothing out from underneath him and ran inside.

“He has a girlfriend at college. Did you know that?” A friend asked as he passed me a joint only moments after my run of shame. I took a hit but on the inside I was screaming. I exhaled.

“No, I obviously I did not know that.” I zoned out, starring at the Christmas lights prematurely hung on the wall. He texted me that he made it home safe and planned to “make it up,” to me… I planned to punch him in the face.

8 REASONS I SHOULDN’T HAVE SLEPT WITH HIM

by ThePeopleISleptWith

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1) He tipped in change. 50 cents to be exact.

2) He said “he already ate” when I mentioned being hungry.

3) He suggested a threesome with a friend I saw at the bar… four times.

4) When the bartender handed me the wrong drink he said, ” She’ll just drink that.”

5) He only complimented my butt.

6) He ordered the exact amount of beers that I said would get me drunk.

7) He wore the wrong size condom.

8) He asked me if I came. If you have to ask the answer is no.

—-> Instagram

DELETE ALL DRUNK SEXTS AND PRETEND THEY NEVER HAPPENED

by ThePeopleISleptWith

What started as a casual conversation took a sharp turn around 11:00pm. I promised myself I wouldn’t go down this road again but had quite a way with words…. that is if you consider “I’ll make sure you cum,” a way with words. With every Pickleback shot I took I sent an increasingly suggestive text. I went to bed giddy but woke up full of regret. What my drunk brain perceived as charming in the light of day was quite the opposite. The angle of his dick pics were questionable and the “You love my penis,” text was neither endearing nor true. Thanks to me his head grew 3 sizes that day. I had no choice but to delete all the drunk sexts and pretend they never happened.

“IT DOESN’T FIT”

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I kneeled on all fours as he “made love” to me in the back of my Jeep parked next to a dumpster. This would have been fine if wasn’t using the jack-hammering technique, often used by first timers or high-school boyfriends.

“It doesn’t fit,” he said simultaneously lighting a cigarette and a joint. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“From behind it doesn’t fit, I can tell, you were fidgeting, a lot” he said proud of his allegedly massive penis. I explained that it was fine. “It was just to fast, it didn’t feel good.” He refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside me from behind.

It wasn’t the size… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.

WINNING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We had been together for 4 months and for the first time in our relationship the sex lasted longer than two minutes. Although I was pleasantly surprised he was quite obviously annoyed. Sweat dripped off his forehead as he aggressively stabbed my insides with his penis. Not too long after he finished, looked at me and “I win.” ARE YOU ACTUALLY PROUD THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO MAKE ME ORGASM? The first person to reach an orgasm doesn’t “win.” I don’t know if he was a moron or an asshole BUT I dated him for months and I lost every single time.

GAME OVER

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I went down on him while he sat in the front seat of his car. I could hear the voices of our friends playing beer-pong and the music from the party we ditched. The voices grew closer as his moans grew more intense.  Don’t gag, don’t gag… I prayed as I gave it my all. I must have been too distracted by his ball sweat.. wondering if he even showered that day to notice our friends were approaching the car. Without warning he pushed my head down, all the way, holding me there so they couldn’t could see. GAME OVER, I lifted my head up and jumped back. I put my clothes on, silently, avoiding eye contact as I waited for my friends to continue walking down the street. I left the car, glancing back at him giving him to chance to apologize then slammed the door.

SUBMITTED POST

A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

by ThePeopleISleptWith

After 8 months of traditional, vanilla sex I spoke to my boyfriend about spicing up our sex life, shortly after we moved to the bedroom. After a few minutes of missionary he forced me into “doggy style.”  He then put his hand on the back of my head and shoved my face into my pillow. I could barely turn my head to the side to breath. By “spicy” I meant dirty talk, butt slaps, maybe some hair pulling.. NOT suffocation. I gasped for air as he humped me aggressively. Was this some kind of punishment for calling our sex life vanilla? It’s really hard to orgasm when you see your life flashing before your eyes.

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MY “FRIEND” WITH BENEFITS

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Friends with benefits: A fun sexual relationship between two friends……  that is until one is inevitability hurt by the other, ending the friendship for good.
He texted me at 2:09am to hang out. “Just come do it real quick.” SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE GENTLEMEN. If you’re trying to sleep with someone “real quick ” may not be the best way to persuade them. Yeah, lemme get out of my cozy bed for this quicky. “Don’t be difficult, ” he replied. I wasn’t trying to be difficult or play hard to get. I never asked for anything..for him I was never hard to get. For whatever reason he was under the impression that I was on call. A few disrespectful texts later it was clear we weren’t friends. It no longer mattered how good the sex was I couldn’t be a hole to stick his dick in “real quick” anymore.