Hip to Be Square
My first attempt to lose my virginity was cock-blocked by Huey Lewis from Huey Lewis and The News. How you ask?
My parents were spending the night in Manhattan to see Huey Lewis and The News and were leaving me alone for the first time overnight. This was a BIG DEAL. I did what any teenager would do and invited a few friends over so we could drink my parents alcohol and hook up. There was a bottle of vodka that had been in the fridge since I could remember. But after five years of stealing some and filling it back up with water.. I guess it was safe to assume it was just water at that point.
I invited two couple friends over. One of the couples were currently doing a lot of anal, and proudly discussing it in the cafeteria every day. I clearly needed something captivating to talk about as well so I invited Mark. Mark was very cute but most importantly Mark was from a different school. He had been looking at me during shows and flirting with me on AIM. But when he commented ” ❤ “on my Myspace picture a week prior I knew the deal had been sealed.
About an hour into my get-together we were finally alone in my room. We were sitting on my bed when I reached across him to turn my CD player and he kissed me. It was my very first REAL kiss and all I remember thinking was does there really have to be so much tongue? I wiped his salvia from my face. My phone rang. Mark moved to the end of the bed.
“Hello,” It was a man’s voice I didn’t recognize. “Who is this?” ” It’s Huey, Huey Lewis.” I didn’t know what to say, unfortunately this took place years before I began to fully appreciate Huey Lewis and The News and I was kind-of in the middle of something. ” I’m here with your mom and dad,” he told me. “Okay.” It was clear I had disappointed Huey with my unenthusiastic reaction. Mark stood up. Huey handed the phone back to my mom.
“That was really Huey.” ” I know.” My mother went on as Mark shuffled around my room awkwardly inspecting my sponge painted walls. My carefully organized plan was failing in front of my face. My mother continued to ramble and eventually Mark left my room. The moment was over. The mood had been killed. After saying a quick goodbye to Huey my mom eventually hung up and I joined my friends in the kitchen as they pretended to be drunk off orange juice and a dash of watery vodka.