The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

SWEAT, TEARS AND VOMIT

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was Thanksgiving Eve I was on my fifth game of beer pong when a boy I had been having casual sex with over the summer walked through the door. Our “relationship” fizzled out when he left for college and after four unanswered texts I had given up on him and clearly my dignity. I had planned to leave the party and met up with some dude who sent me a series of unsolicited but impressive dick pictures the night prior. But there is was… hand full of whisky, belly full of pills, looking real good. He looked directly at me and I knew that moment I wasn’t going anywhere besides his car in the parking lot.

Two shots of Vodka later we were outside alone. He didn’t say anything. He just kissed me. And before I knew it we were ripping off each-others clothes in the back of his Jetta with our friends smoking cigarettes barely six feat away.

I began going down on him when i heard his stomach rumble. He started to dry heave, opened the car door -turning on the interior lights and threw up. Half on the street, half on the car. Our friends stared blankly with a perfect view of our naked bodies. I wanted to comfort him but not as much as I wanted to hide. He was sitting on top my clothing crying so I tried rubbing his shoulder to console him as I yanked my clothing out from underneath him and ran inside.

“He has a girlfriend at college. Did you know that?” A friend asked as he passed me a joint only moments after my run of shame. I took a hit but on the inside I was screaming. I exhaled.

“No, I obviously I did not know that.” I zoned out, starring at the Christmas lights prematurely hung on the wall. He texted me that he made it home safe and planned to “make it up,” to me… I planned to punch him in the face.

Hip to Be Square

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My first attempt to lose my virginity was cock-blocked by Huey Lewis from Huey Lewis and The News. How you ask?

My parents were spending the night in Manhattan to see Huey Lewis and The News and were leaving me alone for the first time overnight. This was a BIG DEAL. I did what any teenager would do and invited a few friends over so we could drink my parents alcohol and hook up. There was a bottle of vodka that had been in the fridge since I could remember. But after five years of stealing some and filling it back up with water.. I guess it was safe to assume it was just water at that point.

I invited two couple friends over. One of the couples were currently doing a lot of anal, and proudly discussing it in the cafeteria every day. I clearly needed something captivating to talk about as well so I invited Mark. Mark was very cute but most importantly Mark was from a different school. He had been looking at me during shows and flirting with me on AIM. But when he commented ” ❤ “on my Myspace picture a week prior I knew the deal had been sealed.

About an hour into my get-together we were finally alone in my room. We were sitting on my bed when I reached across him to turn my CD player and he kissed me. It was my very first REAL kiss and all I remember thinking was does there really have to be so much tongue? I wiped his salvia from my face. My phone rang. Mark moved to the end of the bed.

“Hello,” It was a man’s voice I didn’t recognize. “Who is this?” ” It’s Huey, Huey Lewis.” I didn’t know what to say, unfortunately this took place years before I began to fully appreciate Huey Lewis and The News and I was kind-of in the middle of something. ” I’m here with your mom and dad,” he told me. “Okay.” It was clear I had disappointed Huey with my unenthusiastic reaction. Mark stood up. Huey handed the phone back to my mom.

“That was really Huey.” ” I know.” My mother went on as Mark shuffled around my room awkwardly inspecting my sponge painted walls. My carefully organized plan was failing in front of my face. My mother continued to ramble and eventually Mark left my room. The moment was over. The mood had been killed. After saying a quick goodbye to Huey my mom eventually hung up and I joined my friends in the kitchen as they pretended to be drunk off orange juice and a dash of watery vodka.