The People I Slept With.

I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO BUT MOSTLY THANK THE GUYS MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH BECAUSE ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STORIES ARE TRUE. Only names, dates and locations were changed to protect the fragile male ego.

EAT GREAT, EVEN LATE.

by ThePeopleISleptWith

The second he walked through the door, it was on. He ripped -and I literally mean ripped- my clothes off. We moved to the living room where he bent me over my couch and inserted himself inside me. Just as things were heating up, he farted. No, not a silent-but-deadly or a quick fart. A long and loud fart. My initial reaction was to laugh but when he ignored it I knew making a joke of it was out of the question.

As I continued to fight the urge to laugh, which became increasingly harder with every thrust, I smelled it. I spent the next minute or so trying to figure out what he had for dinner. I detected a hint of TacoBell. To avoid cracking up I was forced to cover my mouth with my hand and eventually shoved my face into my couch cushion.. I expected him to make a joke about it after he finished— but instead he acted like it never happened, even though the smell still lingered.

MY “FRIEND” WITH BENEFITS

by ThePeopleISleptWith

He texted me at 2:09am to hang out. “Just come do it real quick.” SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE GENTLEMEN. If you’re trying to sleep with someone, “real quick ” may not be the best way to persuade them. Yeah, lemme get out of my cozy bed for this quickie.

“Don’t be difficult, ” he replied. I wasn’t trying to be difficult or play hard to get. I never asked for anything. For him, I was never hard to get. For whatever reason, he was under the impression that I was on-call. A few disrespectful texts later, it was clear that we weren’t friends. It no longer mattered how good the sex was, I couldn’t be a hole to stick his dick in “real quick” anymore.

WINNING

by ThePeopleISleptWith

We had been together for four months and for the first time in our relationship, the sex lasted longer than two minutes. Although I was pleasantly surprised, he seemed quite obviously annoyed. Sweat dripped off his forehead as he aggressively stabbed my insides with his penis.

Not long after he finished, he looked at me and proclaimed “I win.” ARE YOU ACTUALLY PROUD THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO MAKE ME ORGASM? The first person to reach an orgasm doesn’t “win.” I don’t know if he was a moron or an asshole BUT I dated him for three more months – and I lost every single time.

“IT DOESN’T FIT”

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I kneeled on all fours as he “made love” to me in the back of my Jeep, parked next to a dumpster. This would have been fine if he wasn’t using the jack-hammering technique (often used by first timers or high-school boyfriends). “It doesn’t fit” he said, simultaneously lighting a cigarette and a joint. I had no idea what he was talking about.

“From behind, it doesn’t fit. I can tell -you were fidgeting a lot” he said, proud of his apparently massive penis. I explained that it was fine. “It was just too fast. It didn’t feel good.” He refused to believe me and went on to brag to his friends about how his penis would not fit inside of me from behind. It wasn’t the size… just the rapid jack-hammering motion of the ocean.

SPIT IN MY MOUTH

by ThePeopleISleptWith

I moved to Florida landing a job at a gas station. A guy who would pull up on his Harley and fill up once a week, and as glamorous as spinning the hotdogs on the broken heat rack may sound, his weekly visits became my high points. Now I couldn’t understand this guy for shit because he had such a deep WV accent, but it didn’t matter. I was tired of the deadass Tim’s loving NY boys and was looking forward to a geographical dick change as well.

About a month after riding around pretending I understood everything he was saying, it was time. I was finally alone In my brothers bedroom, with this Marlboro smoking, Harley riding, momma lovin southern boy. We were getting frisky when blurted – “spit in my mouth it’ll be sexy”. My mouth dry as can be as if I rode the entire way to the house with my mouth open on the back of his bike…I panicked. Not wanting to loose the moment, I hocked back and a grand ole loogie came forward and I spit it with force into his mouth, figuring this was the nasty he was into.

It was not in fact his type of nasty, the look on his face will haunt me forever as he looked at me with horror and swallowed. Good ole southern boys don’t waste an opportunity though-and we continued on-and for that, I thank his momma raised him right.

**submitted post**

That’s What She Said

by ThePeopleISleptWith

Five months ago he didn’t respond to a text I sent so I blocked his number. But now I’m lonely, horny and the only hot guy I met on Tinder tried to buy me a butt plug before our first date. So I texted him asking to buy some weed- which was ridiculous because his weed sucked and he charged too much…. Yes, I was willing to pay $50.00 to possibly get laid.

He came over and immediately started playing the Office them song on my roommates piano.

“Do you want to make out?” He asked. I sat there pretending to contemplate the decision as if it wasn’t my plan all along. We started making out and then he reached down my pants.

” I have my period,” I warned him. I didn’t think he would stop but he did. DON’T JUST GIVE HIM HEAD I told myself as he clearly motioned for me to suck his dick. So I let him put it in my butt and spent the remainder of the night chain smoking cigarettes trying to figure out why I am so bad at life. He ghosted me and I basically paid him to stick it in my ass.. great.

SWEAT, TEARS AND VOMIT

by ThePeopleISleptWith

It was Thanksgiving Eve I was on my fifth game of beer pong when a boy I had been having casual sex with over the summer walked through the door. Our “relationship” fizzled out when he left for college and after four unanswered texts I had given up on him and clearly my dignity. I had planned to leave the party and met up with some dude who sent me a series of unsolicited but impressive dick pictures the night prior. But there is was… hand full of whisky, belly full of pills, looking real good. He looked directly at me and I knew that moment I wasn’t going anywhere besides his car in the parking lot.

Two shots of Vodka later we were outside alone. He didn’t say anything. He just kissed me. And before I knew it we were ripping off each-others clothes in the back of his Jetta with our friends smoking cigarettes barely six feat away.

I began going down on him when i heard his stomach rumble. He started to dry heave, opened the car door -turning on the interior lights and threw up. Half on the street, half on the car. Our friends stared blankly with a perfect view of our naked bodies. I wanted to comfort him but not as much as I wanted to hide. He was sitting on top my clothing crying so I tried rubbing his shoulder to console him as I yanked my clothing out from underneath him and ran inside.

“He has a girlfriend at college. Did you know that?” A friend asked as he passed me a joint only moments after my run of shame. I took a hit but on the inside I was screaming. I exhaled.

“No, I obviously I did not know that.” I zoned out, starring at the Christmas lights prematurely hung on the wall. He texted me that he made it home safe and planned to “make it up,” to me… I planned to punch him in the face.

Hip to Be Square

by ThePeopleISleptWith

My first attempt to lose my virginity was cock-blocked by Huey Lewis from Huey Lewis and The News. How you ask?

My parents were spending the night in Manhattan to see Huey Lewis and The News and were leaving me alone for the first time overnight. This was a BIG DEAL. I did what any teenager would do and invited a few friends over so we could drink my parents alcohol and hook up. There was a bottle of vodka that had been in the fridge since I could remember. But after five years of stealing some and filling it back up with water.. I guess it was safe to assume it was just water at that point.

I invited two couple friends over. One of the couples were currently doing a lot of anal, and proudly discussing it in the cafeteria every day. I clearly needed something captivating to talk about as well so I invited Mark. Mark was very cute but most importantly Mark was from a different school. He had been looking at me during shows and flirting with me on AIM. But when he commented ” ❤ “on my Myspace picture a week prior I knew the deal had been sealed.

About an hour into my get-together we were finally alone in my room. We were sitting on my bed when I reached across him to turn my CD player and he kissed me. It was my very first REAL kiss and all I remember thinking was does there really have to be so much tongue? I wiped his salvia from my face. My phone rang. Mark moved to the end of the bed.

“Hello,” It was a man’s voice I didn’t recognize. “Who is this?” ” It’s Huey, Huey Lewis.” I didn’t know what to say, unfortunately this took place years before I began to fully appreciate Huey Lewis and The News and I was kind-of in the middle of something. ” I’m here with your mom and dad,” he told me. “Okay.” It was clear I had disappointed Huey with my unenthusiastic reaction. Mark stood up. Huey handed the phone back to my mom.

“That was really Huey.” ” I know.” My mother went on as Mark shuffled around my room awkwardly inspecting my sponge painted walls. My carefully organized plan was failing in front of my face. My mother continued to ramble and eventually Mark left my room. The moment was over. The mood had been killed. After saying a quick goodbye to Huey my mom eventually hung up and I joined my friends in the kitchen as they pretended to be drunk off orange juice and a dash of watery vodka.